I have sunk (sunken? sank? What's up, English teacher?) to a new low. I'm listening to "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce over and over today. Oh well, it's making me feel a little bit better: "To the left, to the left, everything you own to the left!...so go ahead, get gone!...you must not know 'bout me, I could have another you in a minute!" She is pure genius, right?
I won't go into how sad I am right now. I had a terrible weekend, and I deleted my last post about being back together with Chad because it lasted, what, a week? I deserve better, and we all know it. I wish I could believe it so that I can move past this. On Friday when I was so doubled over with pain and agony over being rejected yet again, I felt in that moment that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, never meet anyone or get married or have children. I would rather never have any of that than risk ever having to experience this kind of pain. So why have I been willing to try again over and over with Chad? My therapist says it is because it is predictable rather than trying it with someone new, but it's predictable in such a bad way...but somehow I haven't been able to give up. However, I am just trying to focus on how much pain he has put me through and realize it is not worth it. This was his last chance, and he blew it once again...he was talking about us moving in together, he was finally realizing how much he didn't want to lose me, but then he just got the feeling again that we shouldn't be together. I will NEVER have a successful relationship with him. I will always be mistrusting, miserable, and hurting with him. But I don't believe that, so I keep holding out. When is my breaking point with this boy? I've lost myself completely, and I don't know how to stop it. Supposedly this is the end for him, but he's always come back somehow. Let's hope that it is the end for him and he does leave me alone (but of course I don't really hope that).
The worst part is that it ruined things for me this weekend, and I was looking forward to hanging out with my sister, who was in town for the weekend, but I was too miserable over my breakup to do anything. I feel horrible. I feel guilty for always putting Chad in front of what I want and need. I also didn't go out with my coworkers when two different people called and invited me.
Speaking of fucked up relationships, I find myself having feelings for Nathan again, too. We have slowly become friends again (after two years of hating him), and as I mentioned he seems to be having some problems with his woman. All of us have been hanging out a lot, and Thursday before the break up happened, I went to a party with coworkers. He was being very nice to me and finally told me that he was glad we were friends again. I made him tell me that over and over because we were both really drunk, and I have a little issue with believing anyone would like me, so I need to hear it again and again. Anyway, he seemed to be sort of flirty with me, but that is his personality anyway. I also bonded with the new girl on my team as well as our other new school friend. We all drove together and I had so much fun. I got too drunk, though, and I did tell Nathan that I hated his girlfriend, even before all of this. He said yeah, she could be a little abrasive, and then I asked when they were breaking up and he said they had had that discussion (!) I still think they won't break up, though, but I don't know what is going on with them that is making him so unhappy. Before, at least, they seemed to be getting along really well. He was one of the people who called me the next day to ask me to go out with them, though, so I knew he wasn't mad. I did apologize for it and said I had been trying to get past the negativity, but he said he didn't take offense to it.
Anyway, I do acknowledge that I have feelings for him, but obviously nothing will ever happen between us. If there is anything that I have learned from my experience with Chad, second chances never work out--there was a reason why it didn't work the first time. I am pretty sure he isn't interested in me anyway, and I could never let myself get involved with him even if he was. I feel bad that I have not been able to get past obsessing about his relationship with his girlfriend, though. I just want them to break up or get married already.
I was in such a bad place this weekend that I was beginning to feel like I need to go on anti-depressants. I have always felt somewhat opposed to them (for me, at least), but I feel like I have been unhappy for so long. The thing I am scared about is the idea of being numb to everything. Even if I go on them, that doesn't mean that I will feel better about myself. So I think I have decided against it for the most part. We'll see. If anyone has any positive or negative experiences with anti-depressants, let me know.
One of the things I am most sad about this year is that I will be alone with no one to kiss on New Year's. I am also sad not to have anyone special to buy a special present for for Christmas. I am determined to stay alone, though, until I get myself together. REALLY!
I got invited to go to Las Vegas over Christmas break, but I can't really afford it right now. I would love to go, though. I will probably just wait until my 30th birthday instead.
My therapist was saying that something about me in a vulnerable, needy state appeals to Chad--that he's addicted to being in that particular place with me. I think we both are, but I don't know why I am when it feels so awful. UGH. No more crying.
