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2006-07-19 - 1:02 a.m. This is my second post of the day. I had another incident with Chad, and it just has caused me to wonder--what is my deal? What is keeping me in this thing with him? For the most part we have stopped seeing each other regularly--we see each other at the gym and have hung out maybe once a week, usually less. Also we have really reduced any sort of sexual contact with each other. So it isn't our old non-relationship relationship--it's really almost completely gone. The thing that has stayed the same is that we have talked every day, basically, and we keep saying we should stop but we don't follow through. He still does things that make me think that he wants more than friendship, but he claims he does not and he has made that very, very clear. I know now that there is not really any hope for us getting back together, and part of me doesn't want that since I know that it won't work out due to all of the shit we have between us, but part of me still is constantly trying to think of ways to get him to realize, arguments to make, plans to put in action...I know in my head that I am being ridiculous. You shouldn't have to try this hard to make someone love you, he's made it very clear that it is just not happening, and the mixed messages are just signs that he too is having a hard time letting go. It's pathetic to waste so much time and energy to try to be with someone who has caused me so much pain. He's not going to turn around and say, "Yes, I do want to be with you, I've been a fool." It hasn't happened before with any of the other guys who have left me. The most I can hope for is for us to truly be friends, and no matter what, what I am doing with him is not good for me or him or anyone. I feel incapable of stopping though. I seriously don't know why I am waiting for him to push me away again rather than truly saying enough is enough. I know rationally what I should do, why is it so hard to do it? My self esteem is so low, and I know deep down that this situation is making it worse. But I feel so good when I talk to him, and I miss him so much when I don't get to. I feel like even when I am hanging out with him and we don't get to kiss or any of that, I love being with him, even though it is so hard not to be able to be close to him in that way. I just feel like I can't win no matter what I do, so I try to do what feels right, and then I beat myself up for that.
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