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2001-11-27 - 9:45 p.m. Yesterday I was talking to Justin and he said out of nowhere that he had been thinking about things. About our future. He started talking about wanting kids soon (before thirty). He still said about how he needs to wait until he is out of school but he sounded so sure. And I was thinking how odd it was how I had just been thinking the opposite, that I was starting to think there wasn't much hope of us really being together forever. It was just weird. I don't know what is going to happen and anytime I think about it I just try not to. I truly love him but I feel like I can't depend on him and am not sure if he is ever going to be someone I can depend on. About the things I mentioned before like getting a job and all of that. I can depend on him to love me unconditionally and to put up with all the crap that comes with relationships. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. Sometimes I think about it and I sort of fantasize about what might actually break us up. Maybe he is going to meet someone else now that he is in real college. I don't know. Part of me knows I would be sick over it but another part of me almost wants it to happen. And I don't know if I am just a masochist or what. It's pretty sick that half of me wants my boyfriend to cheat on me so we can break up. I guess I would feel better about everything if he would just get his act together about working. I just don't know if that is going to happen. I already feel disappointed that he is so far behind me as far as school goes and now he may change majors. I am just tired of waiting I guess. Last year when I was at the end of the year staff party, one of the teacher's wives was talking to me. I had (and have) her daughter as a student and I was asking about her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend, as I had heard some rumors as to them breaking up. She said she thought that they were probably going to break up soon, that he seemed to really be into her but she wasn't as into him. "You can tell, he's just not the love of her life," she said. Something about that comment just struck me. Is Justin the love of my life? I have never loved anyone more than I love him, but is he "the one"? I just wish there was some way to tell, because I don't want to waste my time and I don't want to waste his. Cassandra said that I need to stop looking at it like that, that it doesn't have to be all or nothing and I can just enjoy it for what it is. But then she has her own Justin who she has been involved with since high school too. They are broken up but they do everything together and can't seem to cut themselves off. And that's another thing. Remember the Party of Five episode where Julia had the miscarriage and later on went to Justin and it felt like they were going to get back together? He said something along the lines of it being better to be apart for the right reasons instead of together for the wrong ones. Am I with Justin for the right reasons? Maybe I've been listening to too much Bob Dylan.
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