I have less than two weeks left of vacation. Believe it or not, I am really looking forward to going back. School is overwhelming, tiring, and difficult, but at least I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.
I'm still feeling iffy about the Ben situation. We had another long, intense conversation about everything on Saturday when he picked me up from the airport. Like I've mentioned, he has very little free time, but his family is also having all kinds of problems (they live in a small town about forty-five minutes away), and so he's all stressed out and feels like he needs to be there for them. This means that he has even less time. He doesn't know how to balance his life very well, and he feels bad that he is not spending very much time with me. I told him my feelings about how I feel like I am always last and that I'm not that important to him--maybe he likes me but not that much. We talked about taking a step back and just dating since he feels so bad about having a girlfriend who he doesn't have time for, but that isn't going to happen. We also talked about whether or not we should just break up. That's not happening either (at least right now). The conversation sucked, but I did come away from it feeling better about how he feels about me. He was very clear that he likes me, doesn't want to stop seeing me, doesn't want to hurt me, and doesn't want to lose me. I said that I would try to be understanding about his family and time issues for now, and hopefully things will get better. I'm optimistic in some ways, but pessimistic in others. I'm glad that I feel more secure about how he feels about me, but I'm sad that he's probably not going to be able to give me what I need in a relationship. So we'll see what happens. Right now I feel it is worth it to try to make things work, but if I am going to be the only one making compromises or putting in the effort, I will have to stop. I need someone who appreciates me and makes me a priority, and as much as I like him, I can't be sad all of the time like this. The thing that sucks is that I really like him. And I feel there are some simple things that he could do to show me/make me a priority. But he may just not be capable of giving me what I need.
My trip to San Jose was really fun. The first night we went out to a bar with Cassandra's friends and boyfriend. The next day we ended up going to see Hustle and Flow, and going to California Pizza Kitchen (we don't have them yet in Oregon) and the mall. Then we went to Music in the Park, and later we went out to a bar and dancing. That was a pretty crazy night. The third night we went to Santa Cruz for the day and then we went to Karoake. Her friends were really fun and nice, unlike whenever I go to visit Jasmine and her friends are snatchy bitches to me. I felt like I fit in pretty well. The theme of the trip for me ended up being boosting Ms. Boombastic's self-esteem. Normally I don't go out very often to bars or clubs because I have no one to go with. So I don't have very many incidents where guys come up and hit on me. But because we were out at bars and clubs every night, I ended up having a lot of guys come up to me. And it made me feel REALLY HAPPY, because I am all about positive affirmation from anyone (especially when I am drunk). Nothing happened with any of them, but it made me feel good--like I am attractive and guys like me, and if things with Ben don't work out I will most likely be able to meet someone else. It also made me kind of pissed off because I am like, "What am I doing with someone who doesn't have time for me if I am attractive and fun and blah blah." Anyway, I know that no relationship is perfect, and I do think that Ben is a wonderful person, so we'll see what happens.
The best thing about my trip, though, was hanging out with my best friend Cassandra. She is the person who I am closest to besides Justin, but we only get to see each other once or twice a year. We made a pact to stay in better touch because we have not been talking as often on the phone lately. We need to talk at least once a week, and since we both have free minutes after nine we should talk even more.
I've been on a Felicity marathon with my season one. I want to buy the second season, but I can't afford it right now. I love the show so much. I love Ben and I love Noel and I want them both to be my boyfriend.
Mandy is finally back in town. She actually called me while she was still in New Jersey because she missed me. I thought that was really sweet. She is my closest friend in Portland, and I know that I am hers as well because she made me her emergency contact after her husband, and also gave me the keys to her house in case of an emergency. We went to lunch today and hung out. I really missed her while she was gone because I got used to hanging out with her every day. I think that was part of why I was so down last week, because I didn't even have someone to hang out with.
My friend Jasmine is mad at me. I am really upset about the whole situation. Jasmine was my college roommate for one year and we both lived next door to Cassandra. So we are all friends. Jasmine is the one who got married and made us do all these crappy jobs to be like, "Yeah you are in the wedding, even though I didn't make either of you my bridesmaids." I have felt sort of resentful about that ever since. She has a ton of friends, and had seven bridesmaids, but I was still hurt that she didn't ask me or Cassandra to be in the wedding. If I had gotten married first, I would have asked her to be a bridesmaid because I considered her one of my best friends. Anyway, I would have gotten over it but then she made Cassandra and I do all these stupid jobs to make us feel better about not being in the wedding and to include us, and it just felt like sloppy seconds or something! So that's the background information. Anyway, she lived in Seattle, but moved to the Bay area for her PHD program. Last summer Cassandra came to visit me and Jasmine was in Seattle and drove down with her mom and visited as well. So that was the last time that we saw each other. We've talked a little bit since then on the phone, but we definitely haven't been as close as we had been in the past, and haven't talked as much. Well, I made plans at the last minute to go to San Jose to visit Cassandra. I only had a few possible weeks that I could do it before school started, and I made the plans a few weeks before. Cassandra has been bugging me to come visit during her time off. I probably hadn't talked to Jasmine in about four or five months.
So once I found out my information, I sent Jasmine an email asking her if she would be in town (she goes on vacation constantly--this year to Palm Springs and Hawaii, and visits Seattle all the time, too) because I wanted to see her when I visited. She responded with an email that said that she was not going to be in town during that time, that she always has a hectic schedule during the summer (vacationing), and that she felt sad that I didn't plan my visit for a time that she would be in town, too. She said that she is sad that I haven't stayed in touch with her better, and that she feels I don't want to maintain a friendship with her because of it.
This email really, really bothered me because A.) I was the one who contacted her and B.) It wasn't as if she had stayed in touch with me, either. It wasn't like she called me and left me messages that I didn't return. So how am I any more to blame than her? The only thing that is valid is that she probably called me last. But I haven't heard from her in months. Anyway, I thought about calling her, but I figured that it would be easier to respond in writing and ask her to call me when she got it. So I wrote her an email that said a few different things in my defense. I said that I understood she probably felt hurt that I contacted her as an afterthought instead of when I was planning, but that I had a limited amount of time that I could come and wanted to make the plans quickly. I then said that if she wanted to see me so badly she could have let me know when she would be in Seattle (it's three hours away) and we could have planned to get together. Finally, I reminded her that I had just been through the worst year of my life and maybe she should cut me some slack. I listed all of the things I have gone through this year, and then said that I felt bad she had not been there for me more, but maybe I was being unfair since I didn't talk with her more about what a tough time I was going through. It really pissed me off, though, that she didn't take that into account. She was here when I was thinking about breaking up with Justin, and she was really shocked up and upset about it. But when she got home she never bothered to call and check on me, which Cassandra did all of the time. She also knew some of the stuff going on with Nathan and Jose, but wasn't all that concerned with making sure I was doing okay. So I am the bad friend? I ended the email by saying I really did want to be in better contact and we should talk about everything.
But what pisses me off the most about the whole thing is that I emailed her back more than two weeks ago now and she hasn't answered or called. I emailed her immediately after receiving the email, because I was concerned about our friendship, but she can't even answer me after I do that? And I know she got the email because SHE GETS HER EMAIL ON HER CELL PHONE, which she is never apart from, no matter what. So basically she got my email and ignored it. So who is the bad friend. At this point I am really starting to think that maybe she isn't worth it anymore. She is one of the most selfish, inconsiderate people I have ever met. She is also fun and sweet and funny, but for the past few years her bad qualities have gotten in the way of our friendship. Maybe if I saw her every week I would be able to have more of the good parts, but as it is I am starting to feel like it may not be worth it. How do you send an email like that to someone, then not bother to respond to their heartfelt response to it? Her email was about a paragraph long and mine was REALLY long, and then she can't even acknowledge it? Maybe because the truth hurts and she realized she was wrong, but I didn't say anything that should have offended her. Whatever. Cassandra and I talked a lot about it while I was there, and I guess we'll see what happens.
I've been thinking a lot about bridesmaids lately because of evaluating my friendship with her. If I was going to get married right now, I would ask my friend Mandy, my friend Lucia (we haven't talked since April, but she's not giving me these bullshit emails about me being a bad friend), Cassandra, my cousin, and my sisters. Originally I would have had Jasmine, but I really think she has been a lousy friend. Oh well. It's not like I'm getting married anytime soon.
I am really excited about tomorrow because of two things. The first thing is that they asked me to be on the interview committee for a reading position that just opened. As you know, I just went through the interview process, so I am really curious to see what it's like to be one of the people giving the interview (I'm especially excited to see what everyone thinks are good answers to some of the questions, particularly this question about literacy that I had no clue how to answer). I will be there from 8-3 and they take us out to lunch. I'm going to be with a writing teacher and the three administrators. I'm really excited to get asked to do it since it is another sign that they think I'm a good teacher. Also my principal said that they were going to have the writing teacher and, "We need a reading expert," (meaning me). HA HA, I'm a reading expert.
So there is that to be excited about, and then I am also excited about tomorrow because I am seeing Liz Phair with Justin. I'm so excited for him to see her and happy to get to see her again. I also saw that she is going to be here again in November, so I'm going to get tickets. That's an obsessed fan, but oh well.
Next week I also have to go in to school on two different days--I am going to be a mentor to a new teacher and have to go to plan an inservice with the other Las Vegas people. So my vacation is pretty much over, but I do have a few more times to sleep in. That's the main thing that I will miss about vacation--getting to sleep all that I want. I am always so tired during the school year.
I posted a few more pictures in my flickr account. I am getting the hang of my new camera (it's so easy to use), but now I want to get into using the different settings so I can take the best pictures possible. I ordered some prints of some of my pictures to see how they look, so hopefully they will arrive soon.
Oh, I also saw one of the worst movies ever (right up there with Must Love Dogs). Don't even bother seeing Four Brothers. I love Mark Wahlberg, but this movie SUCKED. John Singleton is usually over the top with his preachy messages, and it was that way in this movie, but this movie really had no point. I thought it was racist, sexist, and horribly homophobic. The main characters had very few redeeming values, and it was just LOUSY. If it was just a straight action movie, I could appreciate it, but it was trying to come off as if the characters were morally justified in killing all of these people. No thank you. I was far more offended by this movie, which was supposed to be about four brothers avenging their saintly foster mother's death, than by Hustle and Flow, which is about a PIMP that wants to be a rap star. Now that's a problem. I actually really liked Hustle and Flow even though it was uneven in places. Maybe because the pimp didn't pimp slap anyone, I don't know, but he was pretty sympathetic. I love the actor Terrence Howard, too, so that was part of it.
Okay, I'm going to go and try not to obsess over my boyfriend issues. UGH.
