I was feeling better yesterday--today, not so much. Step Up was exactly how I expected it to be--fabulous but with parts so cheesy that Mandy and I giggled at parts that were supposed to be earnest. I have a new boyfriend now, and his name is Channing Tatum. And the boy can DANCE. Ha ha.
I have still been sticking to my diet. It's not too hard, and I haven't had to deprive myself too much. I also beat my old record at the gym yesterday on the treadmill. I ran 15 minutes in a row. Before, I had run 15 minutes broken up into two sessions, but that was the longest in a row. I guess it burns the same amount of calories either way, but I was still proud of myself. Because I did an hour of cardio and the running I skipped strength training. I also skipped the gym today, which was probably a mistake. Oh well. I was feeling down and I wanted to avoid Chad. This is one of our "gym stalking" days. As in, I know what time he will be going so I go at the same time and we laugh about how I am gym stalking him, even though it is pretty much planned. He didn't call me yesterday, as I guess we are back on the no calling bullshit, and I felt sorry for myself. So today I was feeling so sorry for myself that I decided not to bother gym stalking so he could have the space he supposedly would like. Of course, he called me from the gym asking me why I wasn't there. I told him I was feeling down and wanted to give him his space. He had to go to his workout, and of course he hasn't called me back, so I feel even more sorry for myself. Nice life I lead.
What triggered my sadness today, though, was not Chad. It was Justin. Basically I asked in a sort of indirect way how I compared to that flaky girl that I mentioned who he thinks is SO HOT. He answered something along the lines of how can I compare to a 20 year old. So without meaning to, he told me that he didn't find me as attractive as her. Although it is unfair to expect him to think that I am the hottest girl in the entire universe, I thought he did think that and it was one of the only things that comforted me. It just HURT so badly. I acted like a jerk about it and refused to talk to him on the way home, cried, and said there was no way he could ever fix it or take it back and pretty much acted like a huge spoiled brat. We have been broken up for two years and I still think of him as my backup plan who should idolize me above all others?! What the hell is wrong with me? I still think he would take me back if I asked him to, but I am going to lose him for good soon since he is now interested in dating finally. Maybe that is part of this, but I honestly expected him to say that no one could compare to me in hotness. What right do I have to expect that? None. Anyway, it really hurt regardless of fairness or not. And now I am also beating myself up for reacting the way that I did. He has just always been the one who adores me, and soon that will be gone and I will have no one.
I'm just sick of everything right now. I'm sick of being on the internet for hours every day. I'm sick of feeling bad about myself. I'm sick of worrying about Chad. I'm sick of feeling guilty for never wanting to read books when I'm a reading teacher. I'm sick of trying to read these stupid self help books that obviously aren't helping me. I'm sick of my roommate leaving juice stains on our white countertops that I have to remove with the bleach pen (does she not see the stains?!?!? Is she blind?). I'm sick of my British cat meowing all of the time for no apparent reason. I'm sick of being an emotional wreck even when I don't have PMS. I'm sick of avoiding getting my 50,000 mile tuneup and avoiding worrying about the strange thing my car does when I back up. I'm sick of feeling guilty for hating my life when I shouldn't. I'm sick of EVERYTHING!
