Well, I got an emailed request for an update from Kristi, which made me feel pretty special. So I will do my best.
I guess things have to get worse before they get better, and that's kind of the place that I've been in. Wallowing in self pity, but I have finally snapped out of it.
So...roommate situation. She continues to do things that annoy me and piss me off...first there was the non-cleaning of the bathroom issue. Then there was when I came home and found that she left the porch screen unlocked and my cat was on the roof (luckily she did not go and jump over the ledge like the time that I had to call the fire department). That pissed me off, though, because it was something I told her from the very beginning to be careful of and emphasized over and over. Then I came home to find my British cat sitting out on her air conditioner (three stories up) for the second time, when she promised that it would not happen again. She didn't even apologize--that's the biggest thing with her, she does these things and never apologizes. She also did not pay more money for the extra electricity that the air conditioner created like she said she would. And she continues to be the messiest person in the universe--she spills on the counter or floor and does not care enough to clean up after herself, as well as her usual habit of leaving dishes in the sink. Basically all of these little things add up to her not being the kind of person who does what they say they will do, and I can't stand people like that in my life. However, she was actually paying rent on time. The incident with my British cat just was the last straw because she had assured me that she would take care of the problem, and instead left her window open completely around the air conditioner and the door to her room open. Is she stupid or lazy or doesn't care or what? Anyway...
My mom came up with a solution to my problem when she found out she would be able to keep her job but telecommute--so she is moving back to Portland. She wants to try to see if she can buy a house, so she wants to stay with me for a while in order to spend time looking for one (rather than moving to an apartment and then moving again). It will also help her save more money for the down payment as she tries to figure out if it is really doable. Plus...it gave me an excuse to kick my roommate out. I gave her a month's notice and explained that I really needed to help my mom out as we have never owned a house or had that chance before. So my roommate understood and is moving out. I doubt she will clean the bathroom (she still hasn't cleaned it one month later) and seriously question whether she will be moved out on time, but my mom is moving in in one month regardless...so. Let's hope for the best. It's too bad it didn't work out, but I now know that I will not be having a roommate ever again until I meet a guy who I want to live with. My mom probably won't be staying too long, and I am a little nervous about it, but I know what it is like to live with my mom and it will be fine. I am glad that I don't have to stress out over the situation with the roommate any longer, and it didn't end with hard feelings.
I have made up with Justin since the last time I wrote...he wrote me a sweet apology email and I got over insisting that he think that I am the hottest woman in the entire world. So that situation is fine. He is seeing a lot of the girl that he met online, and she seems to suit the cheesy dorky side of his personality. I had to instruct him not to ask her if he can kiss her, because I knew he would do something stupid like that...so instead he was over at her house and they were on opposite couches (?) and he asked her if he could sit by her. I was dying of embarrassment for him. But anyway, I guess that they have made out (I think maybe even had sex?) which is a huge step for him, since he hasn't really dated anyone since we broke up. Also, she wrote him this poem, and he read it to me and I was like ???? Yes, she is the cheesiest, dorkiest person ever, and clearly doesn't know how to play the game but luckily he loves that stuff. So we'll see how it goes. I still feel weird about it, but I'm glad for him.
My therapy is going pretty well. I've been in tears at every session except for two, and I'm going every week, so I guess I'm dealing with stuff. I've talked a lot about my dad and about my relationships and insecurities, and I feel pretty good about it.
Things with Chad...well. It's pretty much been the same, but last week I was so emotional that I was sobbing my entire therapy time about how things are. Then the rest of the week with him was bad. We were constantly fighting about stupid stuff. I saw him that weekend and felt good and had a good time like we normally do, but each night I was crying about how things were. The worst thing about our relationship is that he has all of the power and control--he goes through phases where he starts feeling bad again about what he is doing and so backs off and decides we will be just friends again. However, since one of the only ways that I feel close to him now is through us being more than friends, when he suddenly just decides that we are hanging out as friends, it really hurts my feelings. And it's jerky and unfair to do that on a whim whenever he feels like it...anyway, this past weekend it was back to that again. And I just realized: I am tired of crying every time I see him. I am tired of putting myself through this. I am tired of having no power. I am tired of not having a normal relationship. What the hell am I doing? I can't do this anymore. So I told him all of that. I told him although I wanted to, I would not be able to come over anymore, at least for a while. And I know that I may have said that before, but I have never really felt it so strongly or just realized THIS HAS TO STOP. So I don't know if he believes it, since we always find a way back to each other the next weekend, but it needs to be over. So that's where I am at with that. He called me three times, and I did talk to him two of those times, but I told him that he has to stop calling me, too. I'm doing my best to be strong. Because I deserve a real relationship. Because our relationship right now is a joke, and as much as I love him, things are not changing. Yes, I want him to realize how much he misses me, and yes I want him to come running back to me. But I don't think things are going to play out that way, because they haven't with any of the other guys. So I'm just going to do my best to stick to this and be done with this situation. Maybe someday we will work things out and have a normal relationship, but that's about a 1% chance right about now, and I have waited long enough.
Surprisingly enough, I haven't cried once since I told him goodbye. Maybe it hasn't hit me, or maybe I just am all cried out.
I hope I can actually stick to this and get through this. It's just so hard when I am used to seeing him all of the time and talking to him all of the time, but what am I going to do? Spend the rest of my life in an on/off relationship with someone who doesn't want a relationship with me? With someone who thinks that I am not marriage material? For someone who believes that we are wrong for each other and continues to push me away then pull me back in? My therapist says that he is keeping me at arm's length because that is where he feels safe, and his needs are being met by the way that our relationship is. Well, my needs are not being met. I am dying inside by the constant rejection. There are so many things that I love about him, and he did make me feel like it was possible to have someone actually care about me again, but my self-esteem is getting worse and worse the longer I continue this. I have to snap out of it.
Anyway, my diet and exercise are going okay. I have been eating a ton more fruit and trying to eat more veggies and stick to under 1500 calories, but I often go over the calorie limit. I am keeping track daily, still, but I have been having such a sweet tooth lately and can't seem to control myself. I haven't gained any weight, though. I have a few pounds I would like to get rid of, but I feel pretty good about myself.
And school started! I am a working woman again. I am actually THRILLED with how things are going. I am definitely tired, but I made a pact with myself that I would be the best teacher I could be this year (without killing myself, of course) and I am doing a really good job. It helps that we have THE BEST, MOST FABULOUS group of kids ever. Yes, we have only had them for a week and a half, but...wow. They are sweet, funny, enthusiastic, positive, and just joyful to be around. They follow directions. They don't complain. They know how to write in complete sentences and do it when you ask them to. They're curious and polite and WONDERFUL. Yes, we had a tough group last year, and yes this is the honeymoon period, but I did the exact same things at the beginning of the year last year and already they were complaining and showing they were awful. So I am just so excited about this year.
Plus our new team member is doing great so far...I think she's a little overwhelmed because she is a new teacher, but I think she is fitting in well. She's also really enthusiastic and is doing a cool elective and we are also doing weekly team meetings with all of the kids which I think will help boost spirit and give the kids more ownership. Nathan is doing a pretty good job as a team leader and everything is feeling really positive. Even I am coming up with cool ideas--I had a few ideas everyone really liked so I am just HAPPY about the year to come.
I'm not going to stress out about the small stuff this year, I am going to focus on my curriculum and the kids and my homework club and just have fun. I have never felt so blessed to have my job as I do right now.
So here's to hoping that things will stay good at school and that I will stay strong when it comes to Chad.
And yes, I know that my boyfriend released his new CD this week, but I have been so busy with school I haven't had the chance to listen to it on Rhapsody yet! AAAAH!
