Things with P are still going really well. We hung out on Tuesday again, and I spent the night. I spend the night pretty much every time I see him now. He made fetuccini, and then we watched Gattaca, which is one of both of our favorite movies. Then on Thursday he invited me out with his friends again. We went to Widmer Brewery and then to a bar called Life of Riley. After that I spent the night at his house again. His friends are nice, but I am still really shy around him. I have so much fun hanging out with him, though, no matter who is there. Then last night we went out again with his friends (after he made us dinner again). This was the best time because there were more girls there (two interns), and I am feeling more comfortable with the girlfriend of one of his friends, so I had a lot of fun with those girls. I also was able to drink as much as I wanted since P was driving, so I had quite a few drinks. We went to Betty Ford, which is a dance club. I did a little bit of dancing, even though I am so embarrassed to dance. P is really fun to dance with. It was kind of funny because the girlfriend of his friend met his friend at the same time as I met P...and they met on myspace. Anyway, she is always there when I have gone out with his friends, and I was talking to her last night and asked her if she is his girlfriend. She was like, "I don't know, I was really wondering that, too, but I didn't want to have that conversation!" I said I was the same way. Then the intern girl was like, "You guys are totally their girlfriends...the way they talk I am pretty sure!" I almost got the nerve up to ask him, but I decided against it. He had said something about a week ago when I said I thought he had seen a certain movie--he said jokingly, "Maybe that was your OTHER boyfriend." So I thought--was that his way of subtly telling me? Anyway, I also had asked before if he was seeing only me, and he said yes. So I'm not worried about it, really, but I kind of would like to know for sure. Things do feel pretty serious, and I am very secure about how much he likes me. The intern girl also made me laugh because she was like, "P is so cool, you really should stick with him, he is such a great guy!" I was like, "I know, I like him a lot." But she kept talking him up to me anyway, and I was like, "Yeah, I know, I really like him!" I guess she is a drunk repeater. They took a million pictures of the night, so I really want to find their myspace/facebook pages so I can see the pictures. I am so confused when it comes to finding people on facebook, though, so that sucks.
Today we woke up and went to breakfast. I had a funny dream last night about him, that included him saying, "My best qualities are my abs and my smile." I woke up this morning laughing about it, and when I told him he thought it was funny and thought for a minute and joked, "Actually, my best qualities are probably my pecs and my biceps." Ha ha.
I was supposed to go to my all-girl's poker group for the first time in forever, which I was really looking forward to, but sometimes I get anti-social. I decided to stay home. I rented a few movies and went grocery shopping. I need to watch the movies...anyway, he is going to a party tonight.
Tomorrow we are going to be going to Entourage Night at Nathan's, and P is going to meet all of my friends for the first time. I think he will be fine because he is pretty outgoing. We'll see how it is. I probably will get a little shy because I get nervous when people from different parts of my life meet each other. Hopefully my friends like him. They're all girls except for Nathan.
I have been having a horrible time with Chad lately. On Sunday he had an awful toothache, so he wanted me to come and hang out with him and distract him and also bring him medication. He was actually crying because of the pain, and I felt horrible about it. We did end up going to the emergency room and getting him some pain killers. Well, this was the first time that I had seen him since before Costa Rica. I was very good about not letting him put any moves on me or anything like that, but that led to a really difficult fight/discussion. Basically, he has finally come around and realized he is losing me for real. And...he wants to get back together now. He said he is in love with me (which he has never said before--he says he loves me, but when I say that the problem is that he is not in love with me, he has never responded). He also said he thinks about me all the time, misses me horribly, and he was sorry for taking me for granted and taking advantage of me for so long. He wants to get back together and really try 100% to work on things with me, whether that means counseling(!) or reading relationship books or whatever. Well, I had given him a chance before Costa Rica where I said, "You better tell me if you really want me to stop dating, otherwise you are going to lose me for good." At that point he was not able to say that he was...of course now that I am getting more serious with one person he suddenly has come around. I believe he is being genuine about his feelings and wanting to put in effort, but we have been here before. We have gotten back together and broken up so many times. I have been hurt so many times. We have a great time together most of the time, but about 25% of the time we have horrible fights (one occurred on Sunday, which was so bad that I drove home sobbing uncontrollably, feeling like I couldn't even see the road, and feeling almost as if I didn't care if I crashed--that kind of fight). I don't want to feel like that anymore. Anyway, he is of course hurt that I would choose P over him, but that's not really what this is about. It's about having distanced myself from him enough to recognize how unhealthy/unhappy things were with him. It's about being too late. It's about not being able to fully believe that he will give 100%, and being scared that I will get back together again and he will break my heart again. It is also about wanting to experience being with someone who has not ever hurt me and who has been nothing but wonderful to me. If I really thought that things would work out with Chad this time, I would get back together with him. I don't believe it, though, so I don't know how it could work out. I can't trust him. At the same time, I feel like maybe I am making a huge mistake, and I am confused that I waited for so long to be with him and now he is finally realizing and I said no. I guess I just reached my limit with him. He encouraged me to start dating again, and the only reason he has realized he truly loves me and wants to be with me is because I am dating again. Somehow love isn't supposed to be this hard, right? So every single person in my life tells me I am making the right decision, and I probably am, but this is the hardest thing ever.
So we had this three hour conversation about it yesterday and said our goodbyes. He said he doesn't want to talk to me again until he gets over me and we can really be friends. Yes, we have heard that before, but I think it may be real this time. He is so upset and was actually crying about everything, and he feels horrible for having done this to our relationship. Well, he should. I couldn't wait forever, and I have partially moved on. It doesn't mean I don't still love him and want him and miss him, but I feel stronger. I feel like he will get me back and won't know what to do with me, so I can't commit to him again. He says that it means it is over forever, because he is not going to wait for me while I am dating another guy. I feel like if it is really meant to be, we will somehow come back together in the future, but maybe not. I hope I am doing the right thing. Part of me feels so crazy and questions what the hell I am doing, but the other part of me feels like maybe it can't ever work with him and that's why I am not dropping everything for him like I normally would. Ugh. Either way, I am definitely mourning the loss of our relationship. I have some really wonderful memories with him, and as much as he has hurt me, I know he does truly care about and love me. I wish he hadn't fucked things up, and I wish that I hadn't done my part to mess things up either, but I guess it's time for that part of my life to be over. I know that we will be friends again someday, but we will never be close how we were. He was really my best friend and the first person I talked to about everything, and now that is gone. I'm so sad.
