I'm doing ok now...I am still sad about things, but I will survive, and I've gotten out of the crying-all-the-time, not-being-able-to-eat stage. This was actually one of the best relationships that I have ever had, and it just felt so right, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. The reason I hadn't been writing was because I was busy being happy.
Basically, things were really good with P. He was calling me every day and we hung out usually at least one time during the week and both weekend days...but during the past week or so I felt like he was kind of being distant. We had never actually had a talk about the status of our relationship, but about a month ago we had this weird incident where he sort of freaked out and said he wasn't ready for anything serious. I thought it was strange because it was really early in our relationship. I said that I was happy with things as they were but that I wouldn't be okay with it if he was closed off to the idea of ever being serious with me. He said that wasn't it at all, and that he thought he would be, but he knows he jumps into things quickly and he wants to take things slowly. Anyway, maybe I should have been more wary after that conversation, but I just kind of continued because he was giving me everything that I wanted...but I guess he started to feel recently that it was getting too serious and he really wasn't ready because of his past baggage, blah blah. So anyway, like I said, recently he started pulling away. Our conversations on the phone got a lot shorter, but he still said things about how we should hang out, etc. Then this past weekend he went to Arizona for business, and I finally just decided to talk to him about it. Unfortunately, when I called him to talk to him, he was out at a football game. So later that night I just sent him a short email saying that he seemed different and I wondered if there was more to it than being busy...and that if he wasn't into me anymore he should just tell me. He emailed back and said he was still into me but that he had been feeling differently and we should talk about it in person. Well, we all know what that means, and I sent him an email back saying that it was pretty clear and I just wanted to get the conversation over with.
So we had our breakup talk on the phone, which sucked. He felt really bad, I could tell, and he did say he still really liked me but felt he was not ready and felt like things were getting too serious. He also realized that he wasn't over his baggage with his ex, which he felt horrible about because that was what I asked about when he told me that he was divorced and at the time he thought he was over it and ready to move on. As you know, the "this is too serious" happens pretty much every time for me. Even though he has more of a reason (I am the first person he has really seriously dated I think since his divorce), I still felt like it was my fault.
Anyway, he said he hadn't wanted to do this on the phone and he wanted to see me to say goodbye to me when he got back. I said okay. Well, I was really really sad that weekend. I cried and cried, and I stayed home from work on Monday (I was also sick, but mainly just sad). I couldn't really eat all week, and lost about five pounds. Back on the life crisis diet, I guess.
Anyway, I feel somewhat better after our final goodbye meeting, which was on Thursday. I thought I would be really emotional, and I warned him that might be the case, which he said was fine and that he might be emotional too. Well, I guess all my crying was over with because I didn't cry at all when I saw him. It was actually a pretty good breakup. For one thing, as soon as I got there he gave me a birthday present! I was surprised because since we supposedly were not that serious I didn't even know if he would get me a present...and especially not when he had been wanting to end things (part of the reason he said he hadn't brought it up himself was that he didn't want to ruin my birthday and thought he would wait...which is both sweet and horrible at the same time). Anyway, it was one of the most thoughtful gifts ever. First, he gave me some earrings. We had been at this store a long time ago and I was looking at these earrings...well, he saw me admiring them and went back to the store later on and bought them for me. I don't think that I have ever had a guy do that for me. The other gift he gave me was also really thoughtful. I rarely get pedicures, but I had one this summer to get ready for Costa Rica with little flowers. He was asking me later on if I was going to get another one, and I said that I didn't really do it much because it was too expensive. Well, he bought me a manicure and pedicure gift certificate...but what was really impressive was that he got it at the salon that I get my hair done at, and he said that I should get a manicure and pedicure when I go get my hair done so I can be ready for Las Vegas! I don't even remember telling him where I get my hair done, and I was shocked he would remember that.
So that present definitely made me feel like he was being genuine and honest about really liking me still, and it made me realize that it is not really that much about me. He also told me how much he still likes me and acknowledged that he might be making a big mistake. I was able to tell him how special he made me feel on all of our dates and how great of a time I had with him. The only thing that I wasn't happy about was that I don't know if we will be friends or anything anymore. I did ask if he had met anyone else, and he said he hadn't and didn't plan on really dating because he got a new position at work and will be really busy with that and with packing and moving to his new place. But he was very vague about whether or not he wanted to be friends, which made me sad, because I feel like if someone is important in my life I would like them to be a part of my life in some way. We'll see what happens. He actually sent me a myspace message this morning that was pretty sweet. He said he had read my blog about teaching on there and said some really sweet things about how I must be a really awesome teacher and how touching it was...it was nice, but I also felt a little annoyed at him. Since when do you get to send me a message when we just broke up? I was also more than a little annoyed at him because I had told him about how I had became myspace friends with his friend's girlfriend that I met quite a few times. When we all went out for her birthday, they took a bunch of pictures of us together. He hadn't seen them, and I told him they were cute. Well, he apparently looked at her myspace and saw the pictures...because he cropped one of the pictures as his own myspace default picture. It was one that I had commented on her page that he looked really cute in, so maybe that's why he picked it, but it made me feel sad and upset that he would crop me out of the picture and use it! How insensitive is that?!?! I don't know if he thought about that or what, but I think it's mean. I realize he's not going to put a picture up of us together on his myspace after he ended things, but does he have to crop me out and use it as his default? Ugh. So I wrote him a short response but wasn't overly friendly. Whatever. I guess if he's meant to be in my life he will, and there is nothing I can do either way.
But anyway, I feel pretty at peace with it since I saw him. I am still sad, and I feel lonely tonight (although I had three different offers of things to do and chose to stay home and relax instead). But I feel like it wasn't about me that much and that if he can't appreciate me enough to be with me then it wasn't meant to be. I am definitely going to take a break from dating, because I could see some bad patterns still coming up for me (feeling constantly like it wasn't possible he actually liked me, for example). I also went to a new therapist and she seems more direct and more of a problem-solver than my last one, so hopefully it will be helpful for me.
My mom and I went out to dinner last night for my birthday, since I will be out of town for my actual birthday. We went to Henry's, and it was pretty good. She gave me $100 gift card to the mall so I can buy whatever I want (clothes), and she gave me a gift certificate to Dosha to get a massage. I can't wait, because I went there to get a bikini wax and it seemed like such a nice relaxing environment (and if you're relaxed when getting a bikini wax, it must be a nice place!) I had a massage at the massage school, but this will be way nicer. I am so excited. I feel like with that and my manicure/pedicure I am totally pampered for my birthday!
The other thing is that my friends had a surprise early birthday party for me at happy hour the other day. All my favorite friends came, and they had balloons and cake. It was very sweet of them. The reason why was that I wanted to celebrate with everyone who isn't going to Las Vegas with me, but then some people couldn't come on the only day that I could do it, so I canceled and was really upset. So they did that to make me happy. I am still really mad at Nathan about the whole canceling on me thing, but that is another story.
Anyway, I am very excited because I will be in Las Vegas for my 30th birthday! My best friends Scarlett and Olivia will be there, as well as our fourth friend who went to Costa Rica with us and best of all is my sister! She is flying out just for my birthday, and I am so excited. We are going just Friday to Sunday. All I know for sure is that I want to eat at the Aladdin buffet (I guess it's renamed, but it is still there). I would also like to go to a real Las Vegas show like Jubilee, but we'll see if everyone will be down with that. I would like to do a cirque du soleil show, but I don't know...we'll see. I'll be happy just to be there, having drinks and being with my favorite people. I feel incredibly lucky to be spending my 30th birthday somewhere exciting, and that people care enough about me to spend the money to go with me.
And hey, I wanted to start the year with a boyfriend, but maybe he wasn't the right boyfriend...so hopefully it will still be a good year for me. It's less than a week until I say goodbye to my twenties. And I think I am okay with that.
