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8 November 2002 - 8:35 PM Am I crazy? Yesterday I was thinking about something that Justin told me. That a friend of Mark's, who we know, is guaranteed a spot at the law firm he has been interning with during the past two summers. It is conditional on him passing the bar exams, of course, but his starting salary will be $85,000. I'm not sure what kind of law it is, although I am pretty sure that eventually he wants to do something with civil liberties stuff. Anyway. $85,000. And I know that lawyers work way too many hours. And I know law school is difficult, and the bar exam is difficult. But I got this sudden fantasy that I was going to go to law school. I graduated from a school that is known for its great law school, so I probably would have a good chance of getting in. I even went so far as to look up admission requirements, costs, etc. It's not just about the money, either, but about the idea that maybe I don't HAVE to do this forever. At one time I wanted to go into law, too. So anyway, it was a weird fantasy, but I think I'm back to reality. In some ways teachers get a lot of respect, but in a lot of other ways teachers get no respect. Don't even get me started on how this school district views teachers, but it's the students, too. Some days it feels like it is a constant struggle to get the kids to pay attention and treat you right and learn from you, and you just feel like, "Why am I doing this?" It is a lonely job with way too many hours, and the constant feeling that something is always hanging over you. You can't sleep because you constantly are rehearsing what you are going to say in class the next day, and thinking about all the conversations with students you have had, and all the conversations with certain kids that you need to have, and then you start worrying about what is going on in certain kids' lives. And I am a person who has a lot more good days than bad. I love my students and the majority of my interactions with them are positive ones. So why do I feel so often lately that maybe I'm not cut out for this? I think part of the problem is that I just lack confidence. I honestly feel like a fraud. Today a freshman who got transferred to another teacher's class was talking to me about letting her come back. She felt the work in there wasn't very challenging, and was for people who didn't want to work hard. She was explaining that she didn't feel she was learning in there, and how much more she learned in my class. I felt shocked, in a way, when she said she learned more from me. Usually they say my class was more fun, or I'm nicer, or I care about talking to them. They barely ever say anything about learning from me. I felt as if I was pulling something over on her, as if I had tricked her into thinking she was learning something when she was with me. On the other hand, I had a very good day, the kind of day that let me see that kids were engaged and thinking critically. We got so caught up in the pre-discussion in the sophomore classes, that we didn't even get to the inside outside discussion! Before starting, the lesson plan called for me to ask students to think about how teens are treated differently than adults. We divided these into societal ways and legal ways, and I took notes on the overhead and prompted them when they got stuck. We talked about how school treats them, the dress code, freedom of speech, driving laws for teens, etc. I loved hearing everything that they had to say. Then we read the article and they were so hooked into it that they all answered the comprehension questions with me without even having to flip back through the piece. They were so ready to talk about their opinions on the article and we didn't have time. Hopefully the momentum will continue when we go back. Anyway, the lesson plan I was using was pretty cool to get them going in that way. Once in a while I can invent one that will do that, but usually I have to get the ideas from someone else. It was exciting, though, and made me realize how much more I need to incorporate discussion and non-fiction into the classroom. My fourth period had a hard time not having side conversations (any tips?) but seventh period, my favorites, were great. Anyway, I'm not sure if I am going to be able to see 8 Mile this weekend or not, but I really want to. I also want the Justin Timberlake CD so badly it hurts. :)
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