I'm starting to think that things might not work out with Ben. Yes, I know I have had doubts and insecurities forever, and supposedly things are fine with us right now, but I am just...I need someone who has more time to give me the attention I need. And he doesn't. And he's not really trying to make more time. So we'll see what happens. I am really, really sad, because I really, really like him. I feel like I could easily fall in love with him. I don't think he's going to fall in love with me, though, and that's the problem. I think he likes me, and he likes spending time with me, but he's not making me a priority. I don't even really have that high of expectations, so if my expectations aren't being met...that's a problem.
That being said, I had a good time with him on Saturday. I went to his Filipino league game for the second time. The last time I went, it was a blow-out game for Ben's team. The other team sucked, and they beat them 100-50. This time the team they were playing was better, and the game was close the entire time. Ben was playing really well, and he got tons of blocks and rebounds, and he was making most of his shots. It went into TRIPLE overtime. Ben had the ball with four seconds left with the score tied. He was fouled by someone on the other team so he had to make free-throws. He made both of them, so he won the game by two points! I was really excited for him.
I was also happy because when he came out after the game he saw me and kissed me right in front of his teammate, so I felt all happy like, "Yeah, I'm his girlfriend and he's not embarrassed to kiss me."
Afterward I went to his house and four of his cousins came down to visit from his hometown. So I got to meet them, but I was feeling a little bit weird about the whole thing. He didn't do anything to make me feel like I wasn't wanted, but at the same time, I didn't really feel comfortable. They were all really nice, but I also wasn't even sure if they knew that we were together, so that just added to me feeling bad.
The other thing that made me feel bad is that we talked about how I am leaving for my trip on Wednesday. As I mentioned, he is busy all of the time with basketball. We talked about how we wanted to see each other before I left, but he has basketball on Tuesday and Wednesday. So the only option was Monday, really. He said he would see me Monday, and then he called me today and said he wasn't going to be able to see me. His friend from high school is in town (he already told me about this), and he wanted to go visit him. In fairness to him, he hasn't seen this friend for about ten years. However, what upset me is that he broke plans with me to go see his friend. He could have just said that he wouldn't be able to see me since his friend would be here for a short time and he doesn't have a lot of options for when to visit him. That would have sucked, but I would have understood. I just feel like I often come in last place when it comes to making plans. I was upset, but I didn't want to fight with him about it. So I am not seeing him before I leave. I am only going to be gone until Saturday, but it still makes me sad because I miss him. I got to hang out with him on Saturday, but not alone, and like I said I didn't have the best time.
Anyway, he is going to pick me up from the airport on Saturday, so hopefully he will want to hang out with me afteward. If he doesn't, I guess I will really have to think about whether or not I can deal with having a boyfriend who doesn't spend very much time with me. I guess I would feel better about the whole thing if he was more reassuring--for example saying something like, "I hate it when I can't spend very much time with you, either, because I really like spending time with you," or, "I'm sorry that I am breaking plans with you, but I will definitely make it up to you when I see you on Saturday." He always acts very happy to see me, things are usually great when we are together, but I am the kind of person who needs more affirmation. Why are relationships so difficult? If we like each other it should be fine, but it doesn't seem to be working out that way. I guess I just feel like yeah, he likes me, but maybe not enough, and definitely not as much as I like him. UGH!!!
Speaking of annoying boys...guess who called me yesterday after two months? If you guessed Jose, you guessed correctly. We had an interesting conversation. At first I was totally numb and shocked when he called. He said that he wanted to see how I was doing, and then proceeded to do most of the talking. We talked about forty minutes. I didn't really feel anything about it, and I was like, "Huh, maybe I am really over this situation." It's not like I had felt that horrible, since I met Ben right after Jose ended things with me. I did have some things that I wanted to say to him, but I couldn't really remember them. The most shocking thing was that he told me his mom died suddenly, which is really sad. He lost his dad when he was 18, and then he just lost his mom a month ago. She had some health problems, but this was unexpected, and he didn't get to say goodbye to her before she passed away since she was in Arizona and it was so sudden. So I felt pretty bad for him. We also talked about who we were dating (he's still seeing the married girl occasionally, and also had recently started dating two other girls--ugh.)
Anyway, he was going to a movie and so he wanted to call me back afterward. I said that would be okay. This gave me some time to think about things and talk to my sister about the whole thing. She advised me not to pick up the phone when he called, but I am not that strong. I had some time to get a little bit mad at him, and when he called back, I ended up talking to him about the way he had treated me and got pretty upset. I was actually surprised at how upset I got. We ended the conversation pretty badly...as in he said, "Well, I really want you to be happy and good luck with your boyfriend." And I said, "Yes, good luck with your married girlfriend," in a very mean and sarcastic way. Then he said, "She's not my girlfriend, why don't you wish me luck with Crystal (one of the new girls he is seeing, who he thought he might be able to stop seeing the married girl for)?" I said even more rudely, "Yeah, good luck with all of your women!" So the conversation ended on a very poor note, and I came off as a lot more angry than I sounded. I don't feel bad about letting him know how much he hurt me and how it is still affecting me (I have so many doubts about my current relationship because of how he and Nathan treated me). But I did feel bad that our final conversation was so horrible. And he was like, "I thought if a few months had passed you would have been over the situation and we could just talk." Honestly, I think he wanted to be friends with me again, but he realized that was not going to happen. Anyway, I ended up calling him back and saying that I didn't want things to end on that note, and that I was sad about how he treated me, but I actually don't hate him. So we had a decent final conversation afterall. I just can't stand conflict. It is really weird that he chose to call me after two months of not talking, but I guess he must have been more invested in me than he wanted to admit. Anyway, we are not going to be friends (who wants a friend who doesn't care about them and treats them horribly? Not me), but at least I did have some closure. Everyone I have told is like, "Who the hell does he think he is? Why the hell is he calling you?" Ugh. I can't believe he is still seeing married girl. He is such a womanizing insane bastard. I am so glad that I am through with him and his stupid ego.
I am kind of interested in birth order and how it affects people. All of the guys I have dated (last four) have had just one brother or sister. Justin is the oldest and has one brother (which makes him a bossy know-it-all). Nathan is the youngest with an older brother. Jose is the youngest with an older sister. Ben is the youngest with an older brother. I am starting to think that the youngest brother thing makes for a pretty selfish person. Ben isn't as selfish or inconsiderate as the other two, but he definitely has some thoughtless characteristics. Or maybe it is just males in general. I am so sick of boys and of boys disappointing me. Seriously. Are other girls putting up with this stuff? What's the deal?
I mean, Ben has been very sweet for the most part, but lately he just keeps letting me down. I want someone who is more concerned with keeping me happy. Actually, if this doesn't work out I am seriously through with boys for a while. It is just way too stressful, and I'm starting to feel like it is not worth it.
I got my digital camera in the mail today! I posted a few photos of my cat and feet on my flickr account (watch out if you hate feet like I do). I haven't seen any human beings today, so I didn't get to take any. The camera is pretty easy to use and seems to take good pictures so far. I need to practice some more, but I am definitely happy with it.
Tomorrow I am going to go to lunch with my friend the Spanish teacher. I have been feeling badly about some of my friendships lately. One is K...I feel like I am always asking her if she wants to hang out, but she never asks me, and we don't hang out very much. I can't tell if she is just busy or if she doesn't like me anymore, or what. She is good friends with Nathan, so I am not sure if that is part of the problem. It didn't seemt o be part of the problem around New Year's when we were hanging out a lot, but I don't know. Then I am having problems with my friend Jasmine. She basically said she feels like I am not trying to stay in touch with her or maintain our friendship (this was her response when I wrote her an email after not hearing from her for ages, to see if she would be in the bay area while I was visiting Cassandra). I feel she has not stayed in contact with me either, and could have told me when she was going to be in Seattle if she wanted to get together with me. I also told her that I had been through the worst year of my life and she needed to cut me some slack. Anyway, I haven't heard from her since, even though I was very much saying I wanted to try to work on staying in better touch and wanted to work things out. What the hell.
Good things:
1. I will be visiting my very best friend Cassandra on Wednesday.
2. I have my digital camera, and it is fabulous.
3. I will be seeing Liz Phair for the third time next Wednesday, and Justin will be going with me to experience her hotness.
4. My brother's band will be playing, and I will get to see it.
5. I will get to sleep in for two and a half more weeks.
6. School starts soon, so I can stop spending all of my time obsessing over Ben and how much or how little he likes me.
7. 21 Jump Street is getting better as I watch more episodes (but still isn't as good as I remembered it being.)
8. I've maintained my weight loss this summer, despite eating horribly.
