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2005-07-09 - 3:50 p.m. I ended up seeing Ben the night of my last entry, after I watched Lost with my mom. I went over to his house and spent the night. Then I spent almost all day on Thursday freaking out about it, and part of Friday. What happened was that he was sick on Wednesday, but I sort of invited myself over anyway because I missed him--it wasn't as if he objected to me coming over, and I gave him a lot of chances to object (like I said if he felt too sick or wanted to be alone, blah blah), but he was like, "No, come on over." He was totally sweet and normal and seemed to like having me there, but despite all that I freaked out over the fact that I had invited myself over. So all day Thursday I was kind of a mess. I overanalyze everything and make everything into a HUGE SIGNIFICANT DEAL, and I really need to stop. We said we were going to do something at some point on Friday (he had the day off), and I was freaking out because I was like, "Okay, if he doesn't call me by X time, that means he doesn't like me and doesn't want to see me today, and what if he never calls me again?" So he hadn't called me by 11:40 AM, and I decided that meant he didn't like me anymore. He hadn't done anything to indicate he didn't like me anymore, but I had gotten myself so worked up over it that him not calling me meant that. So I ended up calling him, and he was in the middle of doing something, but called me right back. He was down visiting his parents, but then he said, "Do you still want to hang out later?" So that meant he still wanted to hang out with me, right? So I felt a little bit better and we made plans to do something later. He ended up getting back to town later than he said, and so then I got myself all worked up over that and thought that meant he didn't care that much to see me before my trip if he wasn't on time. But when we hung out everything seemed fine, and I need to stop freaking out. I did admit that I was feeling grouchy, and so he was trying to make me feel better. I said jokingly that if he wanted to make me feel better he could give me some compliments. He gave me a few compliments and then he was saying that he had been complimenting me all day and that I didn't know it--he was telling me about how he was telling some friends he was visiting about me and what he was saying (how I was a teacher, how much he liked me, etc.) So when he said that it kind of brought it up and I explained a little bit about how I had been feeling (and mainly it was because of how past relationships went). It is so nice having someone who I can actually TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH. He reassured me that he does still like me and that he is not the kind of person who will get freaked out if I get emotional or worried, and he said he has had girlfriends in the past that are very emotional and overanalyze everything, too. Anyway, I felt a lot better. I am just going to try not to worry unless HE does something to make me think he doesn't like me anymore. Because really he hasn't done anything. We talk every day, we see each other more often than Jose and I saw each other, and when he is with me he is totally affectionate and everything. I just have to trust that if he stops liking me he will tell me.
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