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2002-03-31 - 9:55 p.m. I just feel so lonely and sad right now. I actually got quite a bit of work done but still feel bad. I don't really feel bad about that, I just feel bad about spending Easter alone. I didn't have to, but I thought it would be better to get some work done. Oh well. Paris from Gilmore Girls is on Law and Order: SVU right now. My life has become TV. I am so pissed off at the cable people though. I got my latest cable bill and they totally lied about premium subscribers not going up for the time being. We got that notice that said that in February. Then we just got the new channels this month. The lady says on the phone, "Well for the time being, we were raising it eventually." A whole month of not going up when we actually didn't have the new channels yet anyway? That's fair. Anyway, I made her change it on my current bill, but the saddest news is that now I have to get rid of HBO and Cinemax. Apparently they also didn't tell me that I was only on this six month plan for the special $50.00 rate (yeah, real good deal, huh?). Now they are expecting me to pay $68.00 a month for it. I just am appalled, especially at how false their advertising was. Oh well. No more Sopranos for me. But really it's not that big of a loss other than that, because they never have any good movies on HBO anyway. I'll still have the other new channels. I'm so not looking forward to going to school tomorrow. At least I feel prepared, but I'm still needing to get up early to go beat the copy machine rush. I would have just gone in and made copies but they have this alarm on the office on the weekends that I'm scared of. It's supposed to not be a big deal and it gives you enough time to punch in the code, but I'm still irrationally afraid. I just feel like I wish I had someone to talk to right now. I talked to Lucia for an hour and I talked to Cassandra yesterday, but I still just feel incredibly lonely. I have Justin to talk to but I already talked to him twice today and I just feel like...I don't know. Justin is on academic probation. He's really struggling with his classes. His grades this time were two C's and one C-. I know I should just be supportive and I'm trying to be. I am just worried about him getting kicked out. He's not going to get a job for next semester for sure now, so he can concentrate on school. So it's more of me paying for everything all the time. Yay for me. Also more of him running up his credit card. His birthday is this coming up weekend. He wants me to let him pick out what he wants, so I guess that's what I will do. He wants clothes or shoes. I am pretty good at finding stuff like that for him, but I can understand him wanting to pick it out himself. I'm really starting to feel like I want to get out of here for next year but all of these things I have worked hard on would be for nothing if I did that. I guess I should just stick it out one more year, and three years is a good number, but I am just so tired of being lonely and alone and feeling like a loser without any friends. I might feel the same way somewhere else. Just being in a bigger city doesn't guarantee friends either. I just miss the city in general I guess. There is seriously nothing to do around here. My main source of entertainment is going to Wal-mart. If I had a friend around here we could go out to eat together or go to the movies, but I can't really go to the movies by myself. Maybe I could get over that phobia if my students didn't turn up at every move. I just would feel like such a loser if they saw me going to the movies by myself. Aside from the one time that Mark and Elizabeth came to visit, I have never had a single friend come visit me here. And they aren't really my friends, they're Justin's friends. Sometimes I just feel so alone in the world. I just really hope that there are some new younger teachers next year, or even some cool older teachers that want to hang out with me. I know that I haven't made as much of an effort as I should to get to know other teachers (although I feel like I do seek out the other young teachers more than they seek me out), but no one has made any effort to get to know me at all (other than the PE teacher that hit on me). I guess I just feel like if I was an older teacher and there was this new teacher in town I might feel sorry for them and ask them to come over for dinner or something. I know that teaching is a lonely job, and I know that older teachers have families and their own lives that are very full, but sometimes I just wonder if there is something wrong with me that makes people not care to try to reach out to me. I wonder if I come off as stuck up because I am shy and don't know what to say to the other teachers. I go and eat in the teacher's lounge almost every day but I don't talk much because I have nothing to say. Sometimes I just wonder if I would be happy anywhere. It always seems like there is something holding me back, but maybe I am just meant to be unhappy.
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