How much money is the right amount of money to spend on a pair of jeans? The reason I ask is because I had to spend $68 dollars on a pair of jeans yesterday. I am getting desperate. I guess I have spent more ($80?), but I still don't like to have to spend so much. I have tried on jeans at every single store multiple times. I keep trying on the same jeans at the GAP (for some reason they stopped making the jeans that fit me perfectly) hoping that I will get the magic pair that fits. So I went to Nordstrom. It never fails. I try on a too-expensive pair of jeans "just to see," and they end up fitting perfectly. So I got some brand that has the word soul in it. Chad freaked out about it, but he literally wears the same pair of jeans every day, so he's not really someone's whose jean-buying judgment I trust. (ASidenote: JUDGMENT DOES NOT HAVE AN E. I know it doesn't look right, probably because no one knows how to spell it, so you always see it with an E.)
I've been going through a rough time lately...again. Relationship drama. I just couldn't do what I planned to do. I couldn't just trust that Chad loved me and wanted to be with me, so I acted sort of like a crazy person. Just about every week I would freak out and cry and ask him about it...which is not exactly easy to deal with, I guess. So we broke up...again. I don't know what is going to happen. The whole idea was that we would take some time apart and each work on our own stuff. I actually bought into it this time and felt okay about us breaking up, but then other stuff came up and I started to feel like maybe it wasn't worth it to try to work things out anymore. Well, just like every time that we have problems, we can't seem to stick with being apart. I mean, I actually for the first time said that I wanted things to really be over, I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to see him, etc, because I felt like I could never truly trust him since he keeps breaking my heart. I don't know if it was PMS or what, but I was really strong about it. Then he called me the next day and I caved in. I do know he loves me, but what hurts is that I think he is unsure about whether I am "the one," and so he freaks out about it. That's why I decided, ultimately, that I should end things. I'm tired of trying to be with someone who is unsure about me, but I also know that he can't seem to let go of me, so it feels like that should be considered. So...that's where we are. And of course he still wants to see me and talk to me every night and all of that. I want the same thing, but I feel like maybe that won't solve any of our "issues." When we were broken up before we were really still in a full-on relationship, so how does going back to that help anything? I'm not sure. At what point do I give up on this? Part of me feels like the only way he will truly realize that I am it is if I really leave him. I'm just trying not to worry about it anymore. We'll see what happens. So far it looks like I will end up with a broken heart.
I do really agree that I have some major work to do on feeling okay with myself. I have been trying my best to work on my self-esteem issues, but my best efforts aren't going that well. I have started on my second self-help book and I have been doing therapy, but I am not sure what it will take. I just feel like I am so broken, but I know that I can change. I know that I can be happy and can feel good about myself. It's just hard.
The thing about my therapy is that I have been sensing that my therapist thinks that I am doing really well and she keeps having us do appointments less and less often. Because of one of my big problems--being afraid of what people think of me to the point of caring more about how they feel than how I feel--I have just kind of gone along with it. So I guess that is either something I need to talk to her about at our next appointment, or I have to look into finding another therapist. I have got a lot of positive things from her, but maybe I need someone new if I am feeling uncomfortable about wanting to come more.
I am on spring break, but I signed up to do the writing scoring again. It went one day less than planned, so we finished today (it started on Sunday). I am happy to make some extra money. I need to get my bills paid off and get on a budget that I stick to. I go into my reserve every month, which is just ridiculous. Anyway, the writing scoring went pretty well. I will sign up for it in the summer, too, because it is easy and good money.
Speaking of money, I found a roommate! She will be moving in at the end of the month. She seems pretty cool, and I am hoping we will be able to get along well. She is 22 and is in school to do some sort of correctional thing. She is going to do an internship at a jail. Both of her parents are police officers...the only reservation that I have about her is that I am afraid she might end up being a Republican! Partly because of the police officer thing and partly because of how she talked about her brother joining the army without talking about having any fears/qualms about it. On the plus side, she is really easy to talk to, seems laid back, and likes to cook and garden. She is planning on growing vegetables on the porch, which sounds cool. I am hoping she will take my "grow your own herb garden" and plant it, too, because I got it and never planted it. And I would enjoy having some fresh herbs. Anyway, I think that it will be a good thing having someone around, and hopefully we will get along and become friends. She also seems like a positive and enthusiastic person, which I really need.
Two weekends ago I went with Chad to his brother's house. His brother's girlfriend was there, too. I really like her. Anyway, while we were there we did something that I haven't done since my first year of college...which means I haven't done it in almost ten years! It was really interesting doing that with Chad. I really had fun, and I was surprised because I never thought that I would do that again. The funniest part was when we left Chad said, "I love his kitty cats." I thought that he said , "Love is kitty cats." I thought he was making sort of a profound statement, even though he never says things like that. I started joking around saying that that could be a calendar, and the calendar could have other profound statements like that, and the pictures could be...what else? Kitty cats! So we were talking about it for a while and then we finally figured out what he actually said and what I thought he said. I don't think we have ever laughed so hard with each other. We were cracking up for days. He was also trying to come up with other "profound" statements like, "Freedom is a blade of grass." I know this is totally a had-to-be-there story, but I just want to remember it because we found it so funny.
Oh, when Chad and I broke up I went back to drinking pop. I need to stop drinking it because it is not good for me and it contributes to my stomach pains, but it is so good. I went for about six weeks without it. Oh well. He's mad that I started again, but he hasn't started smoking again luckily.
I really wish that I wasn't so jealous of everyone. My friend sent me her wedding pictures and I couldn't feel much of anything other than overwhelming sadness. I WILL get married someday, right? I hope so. Right now it just feels like I never will. It feels like I will just keep meeting guys who break up with me and break my heart and for some unexplainable reason do not want to be with me. UGH. I know that a big part of it is that I am projecting that onto them, so I have to stop the negative thinking, but...I'm just having such a hard time with this. I'm tired of feeling unlovable. I'm tired of feeling broken. I'm tired of feeling like I am doing something to scare guys away. I hate this.
I think that the biggest reason why I can't get over the Nathan thing is because I kind of feel like he was the one who started this whole thing. Before him, I was in a sort of healthy, very secure relationship. Nathan was the first one who made me feel unlovable, and the way that he did it was so shocking and unbelievably cruel that I can't get over it, even though I am over him. I also can't get over it because I hate his stupid girlfriend and having to see her face every day. It doesn't help that she thinks she is super smart and is constantly talking at all of our staff meetings. Anyway, I know that it is unfair, but I sort of blame him for everything that has happened to me since then. I sort of blame him for ruining my life. My therapist believes that I am really so angry at him because I am angry at myself and some of the poor choices that I made. That may be true, but I am really, really angry at him, too.
One of the activities that I was doing from my latest self-help books was writing down everything that I was unhappy about with my life. I had fourteen things. What I didn't do, though, is write about what things I am happy about and am proud of. That was going to be my next step. One thing I am really proud of is that I got through that experience with Nathan. I am proud of myself for working with him every day and acting like things are okay. I have done that from the very beginning, and I can't believe I have been able to pull it off. What I really want to get to, though, is to a place where I really don't care anymore. A place where I can let go of the negative energy and let them go. I almost want the two of them to get engaged (I'd prefer a breakup, of course) so that I can have some closure. Maybe they really are meant for each other. I just want some purpose for what he did, you know? Honestly, though, I would rather them break up and then have him have to deal with that. He needs some serious therapy himself, and maybe that would be the push. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do, so at least I am being honest, right?
One of my coworkers is constantly bugging me about setting me up with this lawyer. I know that meeting anyone new is not a good idea for a long time. I am truly going to try to spend some time by myself for the first time. I need that. I'm tired of dealing with guys and trying to figure out what I am doing wrong or worrying about what they are feeling or doing.
But anyway, I have allowed myself to fantasize about dating a rich, handsome,intelligent, and nice lawyer. I don't know if he is really handsome or nice, but wouldn't that be great? I'm a little bit tired of dating broke guys. It is definitely not the most important thing to me (obviously, since I keep doing it), but it would be nice to be with someone successful. I don't really want to meet this lawyer, especially not in the state I am...but it is kind of fun to think about. I really don't think that this co worker has any idea of my type of guy, either.
I'm going to lunch with Mandy tomorrow and then we have poker night on Saturday. I am going to see Chad tomorrow, though. I'm just trying to do whatever feels right to me and not worry about it. I want to see him so I am seeing him. Don't judge me. :)
I'm also trying to take my own advice that I gave to my sister, which I got from Kristi. Basically, if you act like you are busy and unconcerned about the breakup, and don't spend all your time crying and begging for them to come back, it is more likely that they will want to come back. Honestly, I don't want to get back together with him right now anyway. We actually talked about that, and he said he wanted to get back together if we had a plan on how to get past the insecurity stuff. I said I don't want to because I really do want to work on my stuff and it doesn't seem like I can do that with him. However, later on we talked about it all again and now he doesn't want to get back together because of his stuff with being unsure. He really makes me want to throw up sometimes. I did say maybe we aren't meant to be together since it is so fucking hard for us to stay together...blah. Maybe we aren't.
Oh, Jose called me the other day. He finally went to visit his long distance girlfriend and they ended up breaking up. Big surprise. He is such a mess. At least that makes two guys that I can look back on in retrospect and say, "That was HIS problem, not mine." Nathan and Jose both had major issues. Ben is a different story. I think that I did mess that one up, but I don't think I was actually meant to be with him anyway. He was sweet and DAMN he had a good body, but he wasn't super smart.
Oh, Chad's latest thing is that he wants to join a gym, and he asked me to join with him. I'm not sure if I want to because I am not the best with gym memberships. However, it would be nice to do it with someone. I really want to get in shape. I think I'm gaining weight. I haven't checked, but I have been eating like a pig, and my clothes feel tighter. We'll see.
I have been better about being positive and not talking smack about people (other than Nathan and his woman). Hopefully I can keep that up.
