So my not-boyfriend is REALLY not my boyfriend now. Ha ha. This is so much less painful than the whole Nathan saga, probably because I think I was actually in love with Nathan, but I wasn't with Jose. But it still hurts.
It took me about six handwritten pages to write even half of the saga out, so it's not likely that I'm going to write the whole thing here. Basically, Jose is one of those hot/cold people and he is well-aware of it. That's part of why he doesn't want a relationship. I actually have no regrets about our non-relationship, even though I am sad it is over, because I had a great time with him. He was exactly what I needed at the time, he made me realize that I actually enjoy sex when I hadn't really enjoyed sex for YEARS, and I had fun hanging out with him. So there is no reason for me to regret any of it. It was also a very intense but amiable ending, so that was nice, too. Instead of being a horrible ending like with Nathan, it was pleasant and caring. I have never had such a nice breakup.
Here's a story that he told me while we were breaking up. He told me that he didn't want to tell me earlier because it makes him look bad. So the night that I met him, you heard the whole story about how we met and everything: I was at a bar, I'd been drinking, and I decided that I was going to meet men. I went up to him, introduced myself, and then introduced myself to some guys around him. Later on, when we left, I realized that he was behind us and had been following us. He followed us because he wanted to talk to me and got my number...so that's how we ended up dating. Anyway, what I didn't know about this story was this. At one point in the night these two girls came up and sat down next to Jose. It looked like he knew them, but I didn't really think about it. WELL, he was DATING one of the girls, but he was so interested in me that when we got up to leave he told them that he had to go to the bathroom! He came after us instead. Then, after talking to us, he went back and acted as if he just came back from the bathroom. Supposedly, he ended things with that girl the following weekend. So that is definitely cold-hearted and wrong, but it was a funny and flattering story for me. It makes me sort of mad, because it is sort of a romantic and "fate" type story. Here I am, this girl he runs after to talk to, and now he wants to end things. Oh well.
He also said a bunch of other nice things to me about how many great qualities I have, and if he wanted a relationship he would want one with me because I am the best girl he has ever dated. I'm the best girl he has ever dated and he wants to end things. Hmmm. Oh well.
So the thing is that he wanted to be able to date other people. And I decided that I need to date other people too, or I would be in the same situation of always wondering if I was with the right person. So I was like, okay, we can do that. We said that on Saturday, but then the king of changing his mind, on Sunday realized that this could not work out after all. I guess he sees me more as a friend, and he has someone else he is interested in. Ugh. Sometimes he is TOO honest, but I guess it is better than Nathan, who was completely dishonest. He actually wants to stay friends with me, but I am not so sure that I want to do that. I know that is like a cliche, but I think he actually does want to be my friend. The weird thing about our whole breakup thing was that I felt closer to him than I ever had before while it was happening, and we were laying in bed together talking for about two hours. I know that we have this really great connection (which I guess he sees more as a friendship), and I just feel like he's making a mistake. But if he has so many doubts right now then he will never be sure with me, right? Besides, he doesn't want a relationship, and I am not really into dealing with him constantly changing his mind. He also doesn't want to get married for years and years, and maybe never wants to have kids. So these are all reasons why it's good that it is ending, but I did wish it could have lasted a little longer. My friend K has this away message that says that she believes everyone who comes into your life has a purpose, and I think that's true. Maybe he was just to give me confidence and make me happy for a little while. I don't know. That whole thing is the only reason why I am considering being his friend, if he actually does want to stay friends, because I do have fun with him and I feel like maybe his purpose could be to be my friend. I'm not sure though. We'll see. Obviously I can't be friends with him right away.
I am so THROUGH with men right now, but one of my work colleagues was going to set me up. It turns out the guy is 36, which is just too old. So I have NO romantic prospects. It feels very strange. I think for right now I am just going to relax and try not to worry about it. I met Jose in such a random way that maybe I will meet someone else. I never go out, though, so I'm not sure.
I kind of felt like listing all of the things I didn't like about Jose, but I'm really not mad at him. I know he didn't do it on purpose, and I do appreciate how honest he was with me. I just wish he would recognize that I am his dream woman, but even if he did realize that, I can't really do it because I can't deal with the constant hot/cold thing. It really seems like his issue is that he wants a challenge, and so once he gets what he wants, he doesn't want it anymore. And I just can't do it--not that I have a choice anymore anyway.
It did really hurt to be rejected AGAIN for almost the exact same reasons ("I don't want a commitment." "I like another girl.") But I'm going to be okay.
I just really am going to miss him. And yes, I can be friends with him, but I'm not sure if that will be enough to make it worth it. I am not sure I'm going to enjoy spending time with him that much if there is no chance of having sex with him at the end of the night. Why can't he just feel the way I feel?
So...that's about all that is going on with me. The last week has been spent going back and forth on this issue of whether or not we were going to continue things, and then Sunday was when it all ended. So that's that.
Spring break is almost here. Too bad I'm going to be working almost the entire time. Oh well.
