Warning: I've had a few alcoholic beverages. I went to see my brother perform, which was nice. I got to talk to both of my brothers, and I really like those guys, so that was fun. But I just couldn't get past my overwhelming sadness. I want someone to love. I want that someone to be Ben. And that is clearly not going to happen. I am so, so hurt over this because once again I let myself believe that he would actually like me enough to stay.
I know he's going through all this shit, too, but I am so hurt that I haven't heard from him. I tried so hard to be supportive and nice and sweet and sexy and giving and everything and nothing is ever enough to make someone want to stay with me. I am so sick and tired of guys thinking I'm cute and then getting to know me and bailing on me. Why does it keep happening to me? I really truly don't understand what I am doing wrong.
And so I'm doing the Craigslist thing and I feel so fucking pathetic and ridiculous about it. I went on a date last night with this guy, and he was so the epitome of what you would imagine someone you meet from Craigslist would be. He was perfectly nice but so nerdy and smart and socially inept. I had a nice time talking to him about the psychological origins of religious thought (his topic of choice), but FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell? I felt so bad, too, because when we started to talk about art he was like, "Wait, let me guess--Monet is your favorite artist." And I took offense to that. What about me says that Monet is my favorite artist? A cliched, watered down, boring, pastelly (I know it's not a word, humor me) artist is my favorite artist? He says because I am shy and a school teacher. He says he thinks I don't have a wild side. Um, I'm a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets, okay? You guessed wrong. Fucking Monet. Sorry if I butchered the song quote. So anyway, I didn't feel bad because he predicted Monet, I felt bad because I made him feel like he was an ass for predicting Monet. So anyway, what sucked about this date was that at the end I tried to help pay, blah blah, and had to get going and said thank you, nice to meet you, and he said, "Will I be seeing you again?" And I was on the spot and had no clue how to respond. So basically I awkwardly said that I didn't think we connected on a dating level, but a friends level maybe...ugh. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.
So anyway, this is how pathetic my life is. I have nothing else to do, so I made dates with two more craigslist guys, tomorrow and Saturday. I don't have high hopes for either of them. Oh well.
So my original plan was that I would get to know myself, get to know what I want, blah blah. But I already know what I want. I want a boyfriend who cares about me as much as I care about him. So now I thought I would take my friend's advice and just go on a lot of dates and see what happens. So I've just been responding to these ads of anyone who can sort of spell and sounds decent. Where else am I going to meet anyone?
I know I should be grateful for a lot of things, but I am so sick of how my love life is going. I am so sick of my life in general, and constantly feeling like everyone else is having a better time than me. Everything reminds me of something I don't want to think about, and everything makes me sad about things that I don't want to be sad about.
My cousin and Cassandra both called me and left messages for me today that mention Ben. Every single time I see a missed call I hope it's Ben, and every single time I am disappointed. Why doesn't he realize that he's lost something good? Will he ever?
So I guess I want some advice. Should I do this stupid craigslist thing? Should I wait? What should I do? What do you recommend for me to make me stop being so miserable? Is there anything I can do? Really. I'm just so unhappy.
