Things have been good. Summer has settled into a routine. I see my friend Mandy almost every day because we walk together (and eat lunch together--but we said we can do that no more than two times per week so we don't totally negate the walking part). I need to call my friend K, but feel sad that she hasn't called me either. I think my other teacher friend should be back from Cali, too.
Yesterday I watched So You Think You Can Dance and Lost. I like the new show--much less filler than American Idol, and less making fun of people just to make fun of them.
I also got to spend the night with Ben. He's going to be moving tomorrow so I guess he'll be busy with that. He was packing up stuff while I was over there, but it was still just nice hanging out with him. I am still insecure, but I'm trying not to be. I had a long talk with Mandy about it today and it made me feel better. A little. I have to believe that if he didn't want to be with me he would tell me. Everything is going well, but I make everything into tests (most of which he passes, so what's my problem). For example, in the morning I think, "If he reaches out for me and hugs me first, that means he still likes me." And he does. Or I say to myself, "If he doesn't call me and I have to call him today, that means he doesn't like me anymore." And he does call me. Or, "If he leans down and kisses me in between his packing, that means he still thinks I'm attractive." And he does. So if he is passing most of my stupid tests, why can't I just relax? I guess it's just that I want non-stop affirmation and no one can be expected to give that to me, especially if they have no idea that is what I need. I think he senses it a little bit. I guess I'm just afraid to be completely myself, and afraid to trust him, because I'm so afraid that he won't like me if he really knows me.
Mandy made some really good points today when we were talking about it. She said, first of all, "So what would you have thought if I didn't call you today?" The point being, of course, that if she didn't call me, and I had to call her instead, I wouldn't immediately think, "She doesn't like me, she doesn't want to be my friend, she doesn't want to see me ever again." She also made me remember that he wouldn't be hanging out with me if he didn't want to be. So there's that.
I really feel like I wouldn't be having so many problems with this if it weren't for:
A.) Being rejected by Nathan and Jose
B.) Being on summer break without any structured activities, and having way too much time to think and be bored
C.) PMS, what feels like non-stop
