I have become kind of paranoid (for a few different reasons) about someone I know finding and reading this thing. I am not sure if I am going to keep the password or not, but somehow it makes me feel more secure. Of course, my secret plan for having the entire Internet world hanging on my every word can't come to fruition if only a select few can read this, right? Just kidding!
Of course the question ONCE AGAIN comes up about whether or not I should have an online diary if I don't want certain people to read it. Sort of an oxymoron and all that. I probably would keep a weblog that my friends and family could read if it wasn't for my original paranoia that my students would find it and read all about my drunken exploits. And now, the anonymity of calling myself Ms. Boombastic has made me reveal more private things about myself that I don't want every friend of mine to know. So I'm stuck.
Sometimes I just think I am the biggest freak in the world. I've wanted to get my hair cut for the last month or so, and today was the perfect day to actually go do it. I have a coupon for a new place that seems at least a step above someplace like Perfect Look. But the coupon includes a shampoo, and for some reason the idea of someone even just touching my hair to cut it was not appealing today. I'm also just afraid that they will mess it up, like usual. I don't know of a good salon around here, so I'm not sure what to do. Anytime that I ask other people they always seem to give me some obscure place that's far away and hard to get an appointment at.
Yesterday I saw The Magadalene Sisters about a very horrible home for supposedly slutty young women run by nuns in Ireland. It was awful to watch. I don't know if I recommend it or not, but it was very gruesome. The worst scene was when two mean nuns made the women exercise naked in front of them and said things like, "Who has the biggest breasts?" Just disgusting.
Other than that, I have just been wasting time. I wish I could say that I am on top of things, but I still haven't planned next week's lessons. What else is new? At least I know what I'm doing, but I just need to write it all out.
I'm getting really tired of Justin constantly being gone. He has pledged that he will look for a job and all of that, but instead he goes over to his mom's house almost every day. She is on disability, and so they just hang out. It is really starting to bother me. She is sort of weird because she sometimes acts like a jealous girlfriend when he does nice things for me. She is nice but gets on my nerves because of that, and her constant nosiness. Anyway, this weekend they ended up going to Corvallis to visit Justin's brother and all of that. So he's been gone all weekend. I did see my mom yesterday, but basically I have been just hanging out by myself. It's getting old. It's almost as if now that I am living with him I have lost my independence and enjoyment of hanging out by myself. He isn't acting like he is tired of me at all, but we used to hang out every weekend and now it is like he is off doing other things sometimes. It just really bothers me. To be honest, I am used to being the one in control in this relationship. I am used to being the one who always is adored, and who is always pushing him away. It's not as if our roles have completely reversed or anything, but for some reason I feel more needy lately.
I've told him that the only thing that can break us up is if he doesn't get a job. He seems to be under the impression that since he has to get a job, he will. It's been a month since we moved here, and he has looked at the want ads a total of one time. For a few weeks he was saying that he just got out of school and deserved his first vacation in over two years (he went to summer school both summers). Well, now it's been a month. He just got financial aid for fall term since he has to take two online classes to finish, so he has money that will last him awhile. But really if it gets to the point where I have to pay his part of the rent or his part of expenses, I will not do it. Why he insists on waiting until the point where he has no money and is desperate before he seriously looks for a job is beyond me. That is sort of the story of his existence, though, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I told him that I was disappointed in him, and I told him that this is the only thing that can break us up (at least right now), so I am just not bugging him about it and seeing what happens. I am going to be pretty upset if it does end up happening that he just doesn't get a job, because it was my worst fear going into this. I am just thankful that I CAN pay his part of the rent myself if it comes to kicking him out. I will be heartbroken, but it is better than being with a loser who won't get a job and mooches off of other people, and it is better than not having respect for the person you are with. Right? I will be so pissed off if it happens, though, because I have been with him eight years and if he lets this break us up then he either really doesn't care, or he is the most unmotivated, lazy motherfucker on the planet.
Sorry for my hostility. Believe it or not, everything else is going pretty well between us.
My first day off isn't until October 10th, which is sort of a nightmare. T.S. Eliot said April is the cruelist month, but I'd say that September is.
I just realized that the song "Reunited" has been playing for the last twenty minutes. Maybe the CD got stuck? I borrowed a bunch of CDs from the library, including a SIX CD set of '70s soul. It's pretty good.
