School is hellish. I am sick of writing kids up all of the time. Sick of it. I feel like a lousy teacher.
The rest of my weekend was decent. My mom came down and we saw Elizabethtown and ate at the Typhoon buffet. I liked some things about Elizabethtown, but I don't think Orlando Bloom was right for the role. I'm not a fan of him, and I am especially not a fan of him in a non-period piece. He just doesn't fit in modern times. I can't stand his voice, either. The best part of the movie was the Kirsten Dunst character. I didn't hate the movie, but it definitely had some flaws, particularly its self-conscious awareness about being a movie. It was trying too hard.
Then on Saturday I was planning on going to this pumpkin carving thing, but decided not to since I hate carving pumpkins. Instead, Chad invited me over and we kind of got into a fight. Basically his friend came over and I was feeling uncomfortable and awkward and wasn't saying much. I can be really shy in real life, and if people are talking about something I don't have anything to contribute about, I have a hard time being part of the conversation. I don't think I was being unfriendly or acting bored, but I guess that was what Chad thought. I also didn't exactly feel great because his friend was telling him about this program to teach overseas for six months and Chad was getting all excited about it. It was hard for me not to feel sad about that, you know? He wants to do some program where he would leave for six months or more, and I'm supposed to feel okay? He's already going to be leaving for at least a few months to go to Thailand (I think in April). Before he said his plan was to travel with his friend for two or three months and then try to get a teaching job there. Well...where does that leave me? I avoid the subject whenever possible, but he's always bringing it up. Anyway, we sort of got in a fight about all of that.
We talked on the phone later that night when he was at work, and things just seemed to get worse. He was being a jerk about everything, and making me question our whole relationship, etc. felt horrible. So he was planning on coming over at 6:30 AM when he got off of work so he could sleep over at my house and then when he woke up we would hang out. When he got over here, he said he was so sorry and we made up after talking for awhile. I still felt pretty bad the whole day. We did finally talk about how we felt about the whole traveling thing. I explained why I always want to avoid the subject and he explained how he felt about traveling. According to him it is his life passion. It just feels devastating because he wants to go but doesn't have a plan for how long--he will get an open-ended ticket, and might look into the teaching thing. Before, I was just kind of waiting for it to be closer before I really started to worry about it--anything could happen between now and then. I mean, we could break up for other reasons. I don't want to hold him back or keep him from what he wants to do, but at the same time I want to be a factor. I want to be important enough to him that he doesn't do the teaching thing. I don't want to lose him. I can deal with him leaving for a few months, but what does that even mean? Will we break up and maybe get back together? Will we stay together? I'm trying to just enjoy the time that I have with him now, and not worry about the future, but I feel in so many ways that he could be the right one for me. I don't know, it just sucks thinking about this.
Ultimately we made up, of course, and we spent the day together. We ended up seeing Serenity which he LOVED. I do admit that I enjoyed it, too, even though I am not usually into that kind of movie. I just felt sad all day about our fight and about us talking about him leaving. His roommate is seeing this new girl that he's spending every second with, so a secret part of me hopes that he will back out of the trip, even though it is so selfish and horrible. The other part that hurts about the whole thing is that he has never mentioned again the possibility of me going for a few weeks or whatever like he did early on in our relationship. I don't want to bring it up, obviously, because it could just be one of those things people say. I don't want to try to go if he doesn't want me to go. I know he feels really strongly about me (and says he loves me) but that doesn't mean he would want me to go. So anyway...
Things are actually really great, despite these things that worry me. This is the most satisfying relationship I have had in so long.
In other news, Justin was acting psycho this weekend. I talked to him on Friday after school and said I would call him on Saturday. I never said anything about making plans or what time I would call (we haven't been hanging out lately, which is a good thing for a lot of reasons). Well, as I mentioned, I was at Chad's on Saturday after I hung out with my mom. The phone rang about 6:30, but I ignored it. He asked who it was and I said Justin (since I have a personalized ringtone for most people). Then he called again twenty minutes later, which kind of got Chad all annoyed because this isn't the first time that Justin has called multiple times and acted kind of like a crazy ex boyfriend. At that point I turned off the ringer, but Justin ended up calling two more times while I was there. I have talked to Justin about this before--if I don't answer the phone it is because I am busy. Act like a normal person and leave a message, and I will call you back when I'm not busy. It's awkward to talk to him when I am hanging out with my new boyfriend. I actually don't usually answer the phone when I am hanging out with anyone because I think it's rude and I can always call my friend back later. It infuriated me that after I had told him this many times he still called me four times in the span of about three hours. Then when Chad and I got into our sort of fight, I just didn't want to deal with talking to him. I knew I would scream at Justin if I talked to him so I didn't call him back. I was planning on calling him the next day when I could deal with it in a calmer matter. Well, I hung out with Chad all day on Sunday, too, and just left my ringer off. Justin called me five times. Anyway, I had been thinking for awhile that I really need to stop hanging out with Justin until he gets over me and moves on with my life. It's not helping him get over me to hang out with me, and his behavior clearly shows that he is not over me, even if he pretends he is. I am also tired of him making me feel guilty for everything. We aren't together, I know I hurt him horribly, but we aren't together anymore. I am not responsible for his happiness. I do not owe him anything more than what I have been trying to give him. I don't deserve to have him calling me over and over and acting like a psycho. Anyway, we finally talked it all out and I said that I really do care about him and want to be friends with him, but right now I can't. I can't do what we have been doing anymore. I need him to take time apart from me and move on, because what we are doing now is not working. I think I finally made him understand where I am coming from, but he was incredibly hurt. I just can't do it anymore, and I don't think he can either. So that was kind of an emotional nightmare.
I'm completely stressed out over work. I have a lot of grading to do now, and I had done so well at staying on top of it. I just couldn't stay and deal with it today after such a crappy experience with ninth period. I am just treading water and it's only October still. UGH!
