The thing that sucks: Chad and I broke up. Yes, you guessed it, he broke up with me.
The thing that is good: I know he cares about me more than any of the other guys did, and I believe him when he says he wants to be friends with me still.
The thing that sucks: I'm an emotional mess. I know that me and my problems are a huge part of why we broke up.
The thing that is good: I decided to start seeing a counselor so that I can get my shit together, and I already called to try to make an appointment.
The thing that sucks: I made it a goal not to get into another relationship until I get my shit together.
The thing that is good: See above.
We actually broke up about a week ago, but we continued to hang out every single day like normal. We officially broke up and started being just friends today. I thought maybe we would continue to hang out like normal for awhile and then he would realize he wanted to be in a relationship with me afterall. But. It went the other way.
According to him, he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. He wants to get his own shit together, but I also know that my insecurities caused a lot of problems. I know I am not completely to blame (we fought over a lot of stupid stuff and he doesn't know how to fight very nicely), but I also have come to the conclusion that I am not going to be able to have a successful relationship until I figure out what the hell is going on with me. It's more than just feeling bad over three (now four) guys dumping me in less than a year. I'm not happy, I haven't truly dealt with my breakup with Justin, and I have never not been in a relationship (or a pseudo relationship) since I was fifteen years old. So, instead of putting it off, I am going to find a counselor that I feel comfortable with, and I am going to deal with my shit. So I do feel really good about that. What I don't feel good about is losing Chad because I really feel like he could be the one for me. I know I mean a lot to him because we have spent almost every second together since we met and I know we love each other. However, I am pretty sure he is not going to get back together with me anytime soon, and possibly never will. It's hard to face that, and I haven't been doing the best job of it. I know I will still hang out with him as friends because I can't not, and he can't seem to not, so I guess there's that. I know I am important to him, but I think he thinks I'm not the one for him, which hurts so much.
How can I not think he's my soulmate when I convinced him to watch the first episode of Felicity on DVD and then he wanted to watch more of it? How can I not think he's my soulmate when he liked it so much that he signed on to my plan to watch all four seasons together (we're almost done with season one)? How can I not think he's my soulmate when he got season three on netflix and burned them and plans to get season four, just so we can watch them together? Hello. He's a boy. He likes Felicity. I'm so pissed at him for leaving me.
So anyway, I guess I'm just trying to do what is best. The only thing that I was really happy about in my life lately was my relationship with him. It totally consumed me, which makes it harder to let go. The idea of not touching him or kissing him anymore is awful...I'm glad he wants to be friends, and maybe we are meant to just be friends, but it hurts so much.
Especially when it's so real. With Nathan, I was convincing myself for most of the time that things would work out. With Jose, I knew all along how stupid I was being. With Ben, I knew when it was starting to fade. With Chad, it's not like that. But I've tried everything, and there's nothing I can do to make someone want to be with me. I know he wants me as more than a friend, but he's convinced himself it is not the right thing. And maybe it's not. I don't think anyone should really have to deal with some of my issues.
So I'm not going to say that I am not secretly hoping that he will realize and come back to me, but I am pretty sure that it won't happen anytime soon. I'm not going to try to convince him or try to seduce him. I'm really going to just try to be friends with him and not do it just to try to make him want to be more. I can use another friend, especially one who I have so much fun with.
He said it's not normal to go through breakups and come out of them thinking there is something wrong with you. He said that other people go through breakups and realize there are a million reasons that you can breakup, and that they don't blame themselves and think something is wrong with them. It's just so hard not to think that about myself. And I guess that's why I am going to therapy. Yay.
