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2001-10-16 - 7:30 p.m. One of my students has gotten into the habit of asking me every day to answer my own journal prompt. I always say I will get back to him and I never do. Once in awhile I remember to think of my answer in advance. One of the prompts that I said I didn't want to answer was "regrets..." I have so many regrets. I know you aren't supposed to have regrets, but I do. One of my biggest regrets of my life time is losing three of my best friends when I was fifteen. That is something I have been meaning to write "the great American novel" about but I just can't get passed it, and it has been about eight years now. There were things I did, but there were also things they did, and it all ended up with them ousting me of the group. I still had one best friend left who went to another school, but that was a hard year for me. One of the girls I had been best friends with since kindergarten (Arianna), another since third grade and the third only about a year. Still, it is something I can't seem to get over. The first girl, the one I knew since kindergarten, was supposed to be my twin. Ever since middle school people always took us to be sisters. We both had brown hair and blue eyes and were tall and thin. Everyone always thought she was the prettier one, I guess. I miss her the most. It's hard being best friends with someone who you sort of feel like they don't like you as much as you like them, that you yearn for them more than they yearn for you. It was especially hard toward the end because they just started excluding me without me really realizing it but I did notice. I have always been an incredibly jealous person so I just tried to chalk it up to that, when in fact it was that they were kicking me out. The worst part is that I have had bad dreams about it for the past eight years. I have had dreams about them all, but most of them are about Arianna. In my dreams I run into her at the mall, I get into screaming fights with her, I become friends with her again, I punch her as hard as I can (in dreams it is never hard enough). And then I wake up and I remember her again so clearly and I miss her again so much. So that is my biggest regret and I suppose that it might have been a good thing. I know that Amy and Justine both dropped out (I'm not sure if they went back). I also know that Amy had a baby and I know they all got into pot and Amy got into acid. They were drinking every weekend starting at 14. Not that I didn't do any of these things, but I definitely didn't do them as often as I would have if I had stayed friends with them. I do know that Arianna ended up going to college but I don't know where. I want to know what happened to her. Another thing I regret in some ways is staying with my first love, Nathan, as long as I did. I went out with him for over a year. This is a guy that broke up with me right after all of the shit happened with the three friends, and went out with Arianna. The detail-that-is-maybe-too-personal-but-I'll-mention-it-anyway? We shared so much that we both lost our virginity to the same guy (but at least I got him first?) And after all of that, I went back out with him and stayed together with him for over a year. When I look at my girl students and see some of the stupid decisions they make in the guy department all I have to do is go back to the days of having the self-esteem of a fifteen year old. I can't believe how low my self image was. Anyway, Nathan was a jerk. He was going through some stuff of his own, but it basically caused him to spend zero time with me. I used to think if I could get through getting over him, I could get through anything. And I guess I can, but now it's going to be Justin, if it comes to that. The only good thing about the whole situation is that I did end up breaking up with him finally and I can always be proud of myself for doing that when I loved him as much as I did. He kept in touch for a long time and I think the only reason he really did was because he felt good having someone love him that much. Finally I told him to stop calling me because he always managed to call me just at the moment that I thought I was over him. Regrets? I could go on all night, but I'll stop now that I got two of the biggest out of the way. And to think some of them couldn't get a whole page on this one!
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