My counseling appointment went well. I feel good about the counselor (although I am a little bit weirded out by her giant pig collection, but I suppose I have my hello kitty collection, so I can't judge). It was amazing how much I talked. I talked for almost 50 minutes straight, and of course felt a little bit guilty. I felt almost ridiculous because it was just one description of a failed relationship after another. It felt good to talk about it, and the little that she was able to say seemed helpful. I talked most about the whole thing with Nathan, and talked about my low self-esteem, etc. I didn't even really have enough time to talk about my current relationship problems, but I guess I will get into that at my next session. I really don't want to have it all be about relationships, but that's what is affecting me the most right now. Anyway, I am glad that I felt comfortable with her. She wants me to set some measureable goals. My goals of wanting to be happy, having a better self-esteem, and having a successful relationship are probably a little too broad. I thought of one--setting some standards for myself about what I want in a relationship and how to tell if what I have isn't cutting it. Three of the last four relationships probably should have been ended by me because I wasn't getting what I wanted or needed. Instead, I let them do the breaking up with me because: I don't want to be alone, I am an eternal optimist, I didn't want to start over, I always believe that this is it and this is who I should be with. Anyway, I need to work on that. Also, how do you know if you are happy? How do you know if you are having a better self-esteem? That's what she asked me, and I need to think about that.
So, right after my counseling session, I went over to Chad's house. Of course the just friends thing went right out the window (not that I didn't put up a valiant and noble effort). He was cute and sweet and all over me...so that was interesting. I felt okay about it at the time. Not feeling so great about it now.
We did finally finish the first season of Felicity, and were left with a huge cliffhanger. So I asked Chad who she should go with--Ben or Noel. Ben is the one who she has always liked and is more the hot guy. Noel is the incredibly sweet but more nerdy and dependable guy. I say Ben since she has always liked him, he's her dream guy, etc. He says Ben because it is a fresh start with no baggage (Felicity had already been with Noel and they had a huge dramatic breakup). And maybe I'm getting a little too caught up in how we each relate to Felicity, but I took that personally. I felt like that meant he would never get back together with me. There was also this big moment in a previous episode when Noel got drunk and came to Felicity's room in another episode, after they have each gone off with someone else, and Felicity has slept with this other random guy. He tries to seduce her and she pushes him off because he's drunk and he goes, "What the hell am I doing here?" And here I am hanging out with a guy that broke up with me but supposedly loved me and I'm like, "What the hell am I doing here?"
Anyway, Friday I had the day off so after leaving Chad's house I went to happy hour with Mandy. We had a good time, and then I drove to Corvallis to see my mom. I didn't get there until pretty late and we just relaxed watching TV. The next day we went out to lunch and went to the OSU bookstore and hung out.
When I got back I went and bought three sweaters at the mall. Then I went to hang out with Chad again. We went out to dinner and supposedly were going to start our just friends thing, but that didn't work out too well. I had a really good time hanging out with him, but then the next morning I was so sad. I think it's PMS, too, but I was just crying and crying about everything. He felt bad, I felt bad, it was just a mess. I'm all confused because I feel like if he just wants to be my friend why does he keep doing this, and he is like he just wants to be friends but it's a hard transition. I don't really truly know what is going on with him, but I am really sick of it. I feel like he really does love me and want to be with me, but he is telling himself he doesn't. But why would anyone do that? It's just so weird because he still wants to talk to me for hours every day, he still wants to hang out with me and spend the night with me and be close to me. He still has fun with me, he's still attracted to me, but he doesn't want a relationship with me. And I don't get it because everything else seems to be there.
But the problem is that he has all the power and I have none, and I can't deal with it anymore. At the very least I need to take a break from him and figure out what I am going to do. Yes, I do want to be friends with him if we can't be together, but right now I have just been in denial about us even breaking up. I keep thinking that he will want me back, but I haven't given him the chance to miss me. I know this is different from everything that happened with Jose, but it's starting to feel the same. I'm feeling less and less good about how things are going with Chad. If he wants to be just friends he needs to follow through on that. Saturday was my fault, too, but Thursday was all him.
It just makes me feel sad and manipulated. Either way, whether we are going to just be friends or ever be more, I need a break from him. I don't want to, because I'll miss him and I want to be around him all of the time, but I can't keep doing this to myself. I also feel like he'll decide the same thing if I don't, and we will end up having a bigger blowup and decide not to even be friends. I just feel like I need to do something instead of just letting him decide everything all of the time, too. I feel like I am just letting myself do the same stupid shit over and over because of loooooooooove. Anyway, I guess I'll try to talk to him tonight about what I need to do. Yes, I want it to be that he realizes how much he misses me and wants to be with me, but I don't really think that is going to happen. I don't know what is going to happen, but I guess I just have to do what I have to do. I can't go on like this, hanging out with the guy that broke up with me, waiting for him to REALLY leave me. Anyway...
School was really good today after a long break. It was even my "bad" day, and the kids were good. How great is that?
The idea of not seeing or hanging out with Chad is making me so sad. I maybe hang out with my other friends once a week and my mom once every two weeks, so I will have nothing really to look forward to. I can't stop crying lately. Oh well.
