So Monday night I did talk to Chad about needing to take some time without talking or seeing him to figure things out. He was really sad but agreed to give me some space. He kept me on the phone about three hours since it was the last time we would talk for at least a week (that's kind of the time that I gave myself, although I know that is a ridiculously short amount of time). Anyway, he didn't call me yesterday, so that was the first day since I've met him that I haven't talked to him. It was hard. This is really hard. I feel like I'm doing the right thing trying to take some time to think about what to do, but in some ways I wonder if I'm just being stubborn and trying to make a point. I don't know. Him not calling me made me feel sad, of course, even though he was just doing what I asked. He had tried to talk me into just not talking until Thursday, since we always hang out on Thursday, but I said no. The other thing that was hard was that he had told me how hard it would be for him not to talk to me because I am so special to him and he was listing all of these reasons why, all these things he loves about me, and I just don't understand why he could have this incredible list of things and not want to be with me.
Things became more clear yesterday though, when I talked to Jose. Okay, first of all Jose is IN LOVE. With some girl he has hung out with for one weekend (she lives in Phoenix and was here for a wedding). So he is having a long distance relationship and trying not to be his playa self and I am just floored by it all. It's a good thing I am over him because that would have hurt. It hurts only in a why-can't-I-find-love-I-thought-I-had-but-apparently-not
way. Ugh. Anyway, I was telling him how I felt about Chad and he was like, "But the feeling isn't mutual. He doesn't want to be with you." Yeah, he doesn't. His advice was to stay away from him. Fuck.
Then I talked to my friend Cassandra who really annoyed me for some reason. She was telling me how selfish Chad is, blah blah blah, and it was kind of like if someone insults your family. It's okay if I go off about it, but it didn't feel good listening to her. Even though there are some parallels with the Jose thing, Chad is not Jose. I'm not saying he is perfect, but Chad cares about me so much more than Jose is capable of. But anyway, Cassandra did have some good points about how Chad has made it so a relationship with us will probably not work because he has already shown he isn't sure about me, so even if he realizes and gets back together with me at some point, I will always have that in my head that he is unsure about me. And that sucks. The other good point she had was that it is pretty unusual how adament he is about wanting to stay friends. She thinks that in the back of his mind he thinks maybe we will get back together at some point. In order to do that we have to stay friends and in touch. She thinks he's stringing me along just in case. So anyway. I don't think that he is consciously trying to string me along or hurt me, but based on how he is acting I do think maybe this is some of his motivation. And I deserve more than that. I don't deserve to wait around and see if maybe he will change his mind. If he called me right now and said he changed his mind I would have to say no. Anyway, this sucks. He has effectively ruined everything and it will never be what it was. Just like if I got back together with Justin it could never be what it was before because of how I ruined things, and it could never be better either.
Anyway, I don't know what I am going to do about anything. Maybe after a week of not talking to me things will have died in his mind and he will decide he doesn't want to be friends. I just have never met a boy so intent on being my friend before.
I guess it's good that I am taking this time to reflect and all. I have been getting more schoolwork done than normal, so that's good. I keep having these fantasies/nightmares that I will just become one of those people who works every second and becomes the most fabulous teacher ever. Because it feels better than going home alone.
I have done all of this dawdling the past few days to avoid going home. I've stayed late at work and then gone to the shopping center both days. It just sucks coming home, eating by myself, and having no one to look forward to talking to or seeing. I talked to my mom, Jose, and Cassandra yesterday, but usually I don't talk to anyone but Chad on a regular basis.
So tomorrow I start this special elective where I work with ten kids for ten days on a specific skill they need. I am excited to start it. We'll see how it goes. My first year of teaching I had some really small classes like that and you get to know the kids so well. I love being able to just talk to them individually without worrying about what the rest of the kids are up to behind me.
There are some issues going on with the administration that people, including me, are really grouchy about. I hate that because I've always felt really good about the administrators where I work. I do think that the administrators are good people, but some of the things that are happening are making me angry. Without going into detail, my number one pet peeve is when everyone gets talked to about something that a select few people are doing. This has happened at least three times this year and it makes me paranoid and feel like, "Am I one of the ones who is doing ______?" If I am messing up in any way, I would like the administrators to come talk to me individually. And if I'm not messing up, I shouldn't have to be subjected to the reprimanding/lecturing. Right? Anyway, in the latest case I know for sure that I am not doing it, and it makes me upset that I have to hear about it when I didn't do it! We had this big conversation about it on my team this morning and everyone agreed that I am the one who should say something about it because if I say it I will say it tactfully and they will listen. I opted out of doing that, not because I am afraid to say something, but because this is my third year as a probationary teacher and I would like to be on everyone's good side so that I am no longer probationary. Also, I talk to that administrator so rarely that it would seem really awkward to pop by to give him my feedback. I did feel flattered that my teammates thought I should be the one to say something, though.
I did have a good day at school today, though. One of my teammates and I chipped in to buy a cake and ice cream for the assistant on our team's birthday. She is such a great person and I love her. And there is nothing better than eating cake and ice cream at 8:30 in the morning! I also had some ice cream at lunch which was a big mistake.
I also had a good day because I wrote no behavior reports, and was able to keep myself from writing one that was a hotheaded reaction on my part. I was able to talk things over with the student in a reasonable way instead. The kids have actually been amazingly good all week. I have my observation on Friday, but it's with a good class so I just have to worry about myself for the most part. There are a few squirrels in there, but I think they'll be fine.
Okay, I have to go watch the top models go to London.
