I keep trying to do a 2005 year in review, but it just isn't coming. I keep trying to write about how Chad and I broke up again, but that's not really coming either. 2006 sucks. I'm sick and I got dumped. I'm so sick of trying and hoping and wanting. I'm really sick of it.
The hardest part about breaking up with Chad for the millionth time is that he doesn't just go away. He's always there saying he misses me, wanting to see me, wanting to talk to me. How the hell am I supposed to get over someone if they keep doing that? We broke up on Tuesday and we agreed we'd not talk for awhile...two weeks. He called me the next day saying he was worried about me and missed me. He's selfish and I'm weak. I know what I have to do but it's so hard. Sometimes I feel like what happened with Ben is how things should be--you end things and you never talk again. I don't want another fucking friend that I don't even like that much. Other people have relationships all the time. Other people can get and keep boyfriends. Why is this so hard for me?
Anyway, I just have to make him stop calling me, or I have to stop picking up the phone, or something. It's so nice to have someone tell you that they don't want to be with you but then constantly act like they can't live without you. Of course, he hasn't called me so far tonight and I'm all nervous he isn't going to call me. I want to talk to him. I want everything to be the same but it's not and it won't be. Like anyone wouldn't have guessed how this would turn out, right? Why do I have to constantly have faith in people? Why do I have to constantly see the best in everyone? I'm done with that. I really am.
