Well, some things have happened that I don't really want to get into that make me realize that it is about that time to go back to therapy. So I am starting my search for a new therapist tomorrow, once I find out how many sessions I have left that will be covered by insurance. I am really, really not looking forward to going back to therapy, but I'm slowly realizing that going to the gym is not enough. I know what my issues are but I don't know how to get past them.
The main issues seem to be that A.) I don't like myself very much B.) I can't handle alcoholic beverages yet I continue to drink them C.) I have developed a disgusting need for constant affirmation from males D.)I want a boyfriend/husband/baby more than anything but I am not in a place where those things are going to be able to happen for me and E.) I read enough self-help books that I should know how to interact with males, but I continue to do things that are self-destructive and relationship-destructive. Um, I think those are enough issues to deal with for now.
Anyway, I have continued to make poor choices when it comes to Chad. Big surprise. The biggest fear I have with going back to therapy is judgment about that. I realize that the judgment is justified, but I also feel like I have enough judgment about that issue without another person added to the mix.
The last two therapists that I went to were licensed clinical social workers. This time I am trying to find a psychologist. Psychologists are more expensive, so therefore I have a sick idea that they will be better. Anyway, I really, really need to find someone who will help me and who I will not be able to trick into thinking that I am okay and no longer need therapy (both of the last two seemed to be under that impression, when actually that was not the case). I also think it needs to be a weekly thing.
My latest round of psychoanalysis-by-guys-I-have-just-met resulted in the following statement, "You are the kind of person who needs to be complimented non-stop to feel good about yourself." Why am I so fucking transparent? This was also another case of me drunkenly gaining affirmation by talking to a guy who I had no interest in because I must know that every guy in the world thinks I am hot. I'm a real jerk sometimes.
So my friend Mandy won this overnight casino trip and she invited me to go along. We were having a good time until I got so drunk that I threw up all over myself. Oh, and also all over the guy who I had no interest in. On the plus side, however, I only lost $21 dollars because I was too drunk to gamble any longer. Will I ever learn that I can't handle drinking, that I have no self-imposed ability to limit myself, and that taking shots IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA? I doubt it. Can you be an alcoholic without drinking on a regular basis? I can go weeks or months without drinking. I have no desire to drink alone. The problem is that when I drink I don't want to stop. The problem is also that I don't like to hang out with drinkers and be sober because I feel like I am the only one not having fun. The worst problem is that when I drink I show everyone just how much I hate myself, which is why I want to stop drinking, but I'm not making any promises because I am sick of breaking that promise.
My roommate has been gone a lot lately. I am starting to wonder if she will ultimately move out since she spends so much time away from the apartment. Most people who she hangs out with are in Oregon City, so it is kind of a trek. I wouldn't mind if she chose to move out and things ended on good terms. I don't think that I will get another roommate because it has been a big headache. I am closer to having my credit card paid off, and I finally sucked it up and put the money I made during spring break toward the card. Once I have the credit card paid off I will feel a lot better about finances.
My summer break is rapidly coming to a close, and I can't say that I am happy, but I can't say that I'm sad either. I will miss all of the sleep, but I like being constantly busy the way that I am when school is in session. I am doing an after school thing two days a week, I will still continue to work out, I will have therapy, and I also signed up for these paid workshop/classes where I will evaluate social studies materials. So I will have a lot of stuff going on, which will be good for me.
I do still have a bunch of chores, mainly car related, to do before school starts up. I need to get a move on that.
I've been slacking off a little in the fitness routine, and that might be why I am feeling down. I've gone three times this week instead of my summer average of five times, and I definitely feel out of it. I also quit the Shangri-la diet without really giving it a full chance which was stupid. How hard is it to take 2 tablespoons of oil or sugar water? Apparently too hard for me.
Can I be any more negative about myself, life, etc? Maybe. It is such a shock that no one wants to be my boyfriend! :)
