We moved my mom out today. It was actually relatively painless--it took two trips, and we had help on one of them, so we started at 9 a.m. and were done by three. I have a bunch of cleaning to do here now, because I had been putting my deep cleaning off until my mom moved out (she is messier than I am). Anyway, I am glad to have my own space again, but at the same time I am feeling lonely. This is the first time I have lived completely alone for a while now. I guess I will be used to it soon enough. I am so happy for my mom because this is the first time that she has ever owned a house. I am really proud of her.
I have been having a hard time with the whole Chad thing today. Stupidly, I sent him a message on myspace about how I realized it would be longer than two months before we could be friends again and that it made me sad. I also asked a few questions. Well, on myspace you can check if someone had read your message, and he did...and didn't bother to respond. And that was last night. So I just feel overly hurt by that. I know that I already lost him a long time ago, but it still feels like now I am REALLY losing him. He barely ever initiates contact with me anymore (not that I am either, there have been a few times on both of our parts). Last time I talked to him he said that he hadn't gone on any dates or done anything...but that doesn't mean he hasn't started talking to new people or hanging out. Obviously that would just be the best thing, but the thought of him with someone else makes me feel physically sick. Why do I want him so badly when he makes me feel so horrible so much of the time? I'm so sick of never being able to get over any of the guys that I've dated.
I don't even want to talk about how lousy I am going to feel on Valentine's Day this year. At least there are three solid hours of tv to watch that night. I wrote a blog entry on my myspace, and then deleted it, all about how much I hate Valentine's Day. I hate how people say things like, "Oh, go out with your girlfriends," or, "Do something nice for yourself like a pedicure or shopping!" I don't have any single girlfriends, and I don't have money for a pedicure or shopping, and I know those things will definitely not make me feel better. Waaah. I know, I am so unlucky--this is the first time I have experienced a Valentine's Day without a boy in my life for the past twelve years or so, so I should suck it up and stop complaining. Sorry.
The guy from my work who I decided I just wanted to be friends with...well he has not become my friend. We barely ever talk to each other now. Even the nicest ones aren't that nice. The other guy from my work who I went on a date with is now secretly dating my friend K. I can't remember if I mentioned that. They are keeping it on the DL for now...I only know because of Nathan's big mouth. It's funny, because she is the one who has given me the advice for years not to date anyone from work. I guess when it happens to you everything else goes out the window, huh? I don't really feel bad because we had zero chemistry, but I also do feel bad because I just wish that I could find someone.
I cut down the therapy to every other week. I want to stay accountable, so I am going to continue going, but I also hate going so much that I needed to stop going every week. I dreaded Mondays. Now I can just dread every other Monday. My therapist is taking a month off in April because she is giving birth, so I am going to make my final decision then about what to do. Also, my amount of sessions might be out by then--although starting in October I should be able to have more sessions because of the new mental health law ruling.
I want to get my house in order over the next few weeks so I can actually invite people over once in a while. I used to be so good about keeping things clean, but with my roommate and my mom I slacked off a bit since they weren't very clean. My house is still clean, but I want it to be spotless again!
I've just been really lonely this weekend. The only time my phone rang the whole weekend was when the manager called me to ask me if the maintenance guy could come in my apartment to change this flood light on my porch. No one else called me.
This diary must have gotten really depressing to read--I never write in it, and when I do I just complain the whole time. I wish I could snap out of it. I have made a lot of positive changes, and I am a lot busier, and I have a lot more friendships...but I am still lonely and sad sometimes. Hopefully that will change. I guess if anything, at least I am learning that I can survive on my own. That's something.
