I'm so upset now. I thought that I would call my cousin and see how things were. Well, the call ended with her hanging up on me, so that shows how productive the conversation was.
To be honest, I think that she must have told someone else about how the situation went down, because her perspective on the whole thing was much different than it was last time we talked. Someone heard her side of what happened and assured her that she had done nothing wrong. In any case, she now has the idea that she has done nothing wrong, that the root of the problem was A) That Justin and Jason should not have wanted to leave early (agreed) B) That Justin and I have a relationship in which I put him first, and he is unable to handle seeing me having fun or being happy. That in general I let him control the relationship and what goes on, and don't put what I want first (?) C) That she was not rude or condescending to Justin or Jason (!)D) That she has only had one other person ever say that she is condescending, and it was a moment of weakness and vulnerability when she said it was more than that E)That she had every right to step up and say what she had to say to Justin and Jason because she was a member of the group. F) That she was never mad or pissed off the entire night, except for the part where I said that I would not be able to have a good time if Justin and Jason took the MAX home. She jumped up and ran out of the bar in a huff at that point because she thinks I was being manipulative and she couldn't stand to be a part of it.
She still can't understand why it was rude to say the things that she said in the way that she said them. She feels that it was a bad situation all around, and that she was only a small part of it. I tried very hard to explain that if you basically mock someone you don't know very well by saying things like, "If it is past your bedtime you should just go home. You're dragging us down!" that they just might get pissed off. But she just doesn't see how she did anything other than repeat back to them what they were saying. Justin and Jason were angry at her, and they are pretty easy going and don't get mad often. Before discussing it with them, I was also appalled by how rude she had become. But, apparently, she handled that situation just fine. It was a product of a bad situation, for which she blames me and Justin and our fucked up relationship. She bases her judgments about our relationship on two instances (this time, and the time Justin got upset about me wanting to be friends with this guy I met with Hawaii that lived nearby). She has hung out with Justin a total of two or three times, and feels this is strange because of the fact that we are such close friends. First of all, Justin is shy, and hard to get to know. Second of all, because of a previous incident just like this one, Justin hasn't been all that eager to hang out with her. This is the second time that we have been all hanging out that she has gotten pissed off and stomped off--the first time that she ever met Elizabeth and Mark. I don't know about you, but that's not how I act around people I just met.
Anyway, our conversation was not good. She felt attacked, and in turn was attacking me. This led to me trying to explain my position, and getting more defensive, which led to her feeling more attacked. I said to her that I was trying to be honest with her because she has always asked me to be honest with her about things like this. I told her that this is not an isolated incident--that she often comes across as condescending, and I thought if she was aware of it that it might help her try to check it. I tried to explain how she is condescending toward me and sometimes comes across as if she thinks she is smarter than other people. Her response was once again condescending, surprise surprise. She then got mad and said that she obviously didn't have any social graces and that I should keep her away from my friends. Then she hung up on me.
So that went horribly, and I am horribly angry. Apparently there was no reason for me to bother telling her any of this. I know that the truth hurts, and she is being defensive, and I should have expected this, but somehow I thought it would be okay. I don't know how anyone can justify it to themselves to treat people the way that she treated Justin and Jason, no matter what the circumstances. I guess since she can't see it, ultimately there was no reason for me to try to tell her. I imagine that she probably has this effect on other people sometimes, too, and I think she should know it. That's why I felt like I should tell her, and I really did tell her in the nicest possible way I could. But who was I to think that I should call someone on their bullshit? I guess people just are the way that they are, and they don't care, and they don't want to change in a positive way, and they don't want to know why some people might not want to be around them.
What is interesting is that when she wanted to drive home, two hours, at 2 AM, drunk and crying, I had to say a bunch of stuff to try to get her to stay. One of the things I said was that things would not be the same between us if she left now, and that is why I wanted her to stay. But I was wrong to think that things could be the same between us, because now they are most definitely not.
It's been so long since I have actually been in a fight with a friend (Justin and I fight in a different way, because we are so close), that it is hard to know what to do. I kind of feel like she made the decision for both of us by hanging up. If she hangs up on me, it is really on her, right? The only way that I can contact her is by emailing her or calling her, but I don't think that I can do that because she hung up on me, and I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for. If I was calling her to say sorry, that could work out, but I don't think that I can do that because I am not sorry. Sometimes I can say sorry when I don't mean it, but I am sick and tired of being the bigger person with her. Granted, she didn't realize that I was being the bigger person because she didn't realize she was being condescending and rude to me. My mom even thinks that she is condescending and acts like she is superior. Justin thought so before this even happened. I'm not the only one.
So, I guess I will just leave it up to her. If she supposedly thinks I am one of her best friends, like she said, then she can try to salvage our relationship. She is the one that hung up on me. Or is that my pride talking? Should I be the one to try to call? Keep in mind that I was the one who called her tonight to check to see how she was doing. Keep in mind that I said from the beginning that she was not the only reason that things ended up rotten. I admitted that I didn't handle things the best way, that Justin and Jason punked out on us, etc.
Part of the thing that I think is funny is that when I called the first thing I said was that I was calling to make sure that things were okay with us, and she said things were never not okay with us. She did say that she thought she got blamed for the rotten night, and felt like the ass of the situation when she shouldn't have. I think it's funny that she won't be honest and just admit that she's pissed off at me about the whole thing. Now she has made it very clear that she is pissed off at me, but she never would admit it. It's like she wants to believe that she is not angry at me. Anyway, this whole situation sucks.
The thing is that she is my cousin and we will be family, but maybe we will be the kind of family that doesn't talk or hang out from now on. That's sad because I do like her as a person, I think she is rude sometimes, but I recognize that she doesn't mean to be (and clearly has no concept of the fact that she is that way). I enjoy hanging out with her and being crazy with her. But apparently things are not going to be the same. I guess that I will just have to accept that and move on from here. The only thing that I feel I have to be sorry about is that I hurt her. That is a big thing, but she attacked me right back tonight in a way that I wasn't prepared for.
I feel angry that she tried to change the whole thing around so that it was all about Justin and I and our weird/fucked up relationship, when I don't think it was, and I don't think she really knows him or us as a couple well enough to judge us. She admitted that, but she went ahead and did it anyway. And I do feel attacked about that, because I feel like it was an unfair attack. And maybe that is how she is feeling about what I said, too. It is particularly funny to me that she sees our relationship as him being controling of me and us, because in general I am more likely to be the dominant force in our relationship. I don't think our relationship is messed up. It's not perfect, but I don't think it is screwed up. And the thing about it is that she has had one major relationship, and it was very, very screwed up. She has not been in a relationship with a guy for about three years now. It is very easy to say that you would act a certain way in a certain situation if you are not in the situation. It's very easy to make bold statements like, "Do you do things to make him happy, or to make yourself happy?" when you are not in a relationship and haven't had to make any compromises recently yourself.
I feel bad for her, and I am pissed off, but mostly sad about this whole stupid incident. I don't know whether I regret saying something to her or not now. On the one hand I wish that I hadn't said anything, but on the other hand I feel like if I hadn't said anything to her, I would just say it to everyone behind her back. I would seeth over the way that she treats me and people I care about. I would probably avoid spending time with her for awhile, too. I don't know if we will resolve this or make up, but it looks like either way I kind of lose. And I feel like basically this is because of her actions, not mine.
I don't know. Maybe I am wrong. Everyone views things through their own perspective, which is why we are in this mess in the first place. I wish I knew what to do. Give me your advice--should I call her, or should I wait and see if she calls me? Should I try to salvage this relationship? I can't unsay the things that I said, and I don't want to, because I meant them. But knowing that someone feels like you are condescending might be enough to keep you from wanting to be their friend anymore.
Should I call her or write her or just leave it up to her? I don't know what to do.
