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2002-03-20 - 10:20 p.m. Exercise: 30 minutes hardcore exercise! I really love the word hardcore. It's such a versatile word, and just a fun word in general. I was watching MTV2 and they had this profile of some band called B2K or something weird like that. Besides the fact the the kids are like 12 or something, I was having this huge crush on the lead singer. It was sort of like watching a parallel universe because it was as if they were NSYNC or something, but they were all black, and then all of their screaming fans were young black girls. I don't know why that's odd, but it was like a black boyband. There have been tons of black boybands before, but I guess they didn't seem to fall into the category of boyband? I must be TRIPPIN'! Speaking of outdated slang, I just watched the funniest commercial ever. It was all, "WHY YOU FRONTIN' YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT?!?!" and then it was an advertisement for one of those compilation CDs, but the funniest part was that they were all hip hop songs from something like 1992. I was having an interior monologue about whether or not the commercial was actually made in 1992 and that was why there was the outdated "FRONTIN'" or whether it was a new commercial and the makers of the CD were like, "Let's take them back to 1992 by using the word 'FRONTIN''!" Whatever strategy they were going for, it definitely worked for me and I was about to order the CD before I realized that "Ghetto Superstar" by Mya was on there. I realized then that the CD was just wrong. I'm tired of these weird metal/alternative bands. They suck and I hate them. Oh, I don't think I mentioned it, but Cruel Intentions was on USA (which means it will be on non-stop every day for the next month) and I watched the last part of it. That is one great movie and it is now on my wishlist. My only regret was that I tuned in too late to watch the Ryan Phillipe ass shot. However, since it was on USA which censors the word ass out, they probably edited it out anyway. I swear, if Justin and I ever break up, I'm going to find a Ryan Phillipe clone to be my new boyfriend. I also just love the name Sebastian. I have been thinking lately about marriage, to some extent, because our seven year anniversary is coming up. Sometimes I feel completely and totally content with Justin. We are best friends, which is good. However, there are some things in our personalities which completely clash. We're nothing alike (other than both being hopelessly shy in social situations) and he is this anal retentive clean freak. I'm a big slob. That came up a lot for the month he was living with me. Anyway, he brought up the fact yesterday that he thinks if we move in together again he thinks he will be doing everything. I don't think that's true, however, he will be doing everything that involves the anal-retentive world he lives in. I explained we could each still do things our own way, but compromise on some things. When we were staying together, I was the one who had to change everything, so he wouldn't give me his condescending crap about, "Let me show you a better way of doing things." I actually started rinsing my dishes that were barely dirty before putting them in the dishwasher, just so he wouldn't freak out! I never rinsed them before and they always came out clean, so I just added this useless step into my routine for him! He also believes that one should wrap scraps of food into a plastic bag to avoid making the garbage smell. I have always been raised that when the garbage starts to smell, that's time to take it out. I think that may stem from his weird family that doesn't get garbage service, so they are conserving their garbage to last as long as possible. But it's just weird, and I say a waste of plastic bags. I feel like I may have talked about this before, but I just can't get over the insanity. I am definitely willing to be more neat and tidy when living with someone, but I do have my limits. He sees his way as the right way. There are, of course, other issues. Responsibility is a huge factor. He still doesn't have a job. Somehow he manages to get money for rent and stuff from someone (not me). I recognize he's in school, but he's not even doing that well in his classes. I worked all four years I was in college, I think he could handle 10-15 hours a week at a job. I sort of think about whether or not I would be dating him if I met him right now, rather than having known him and been in love with him all this time. I don't think I would be. He doesn't have the same sort of ambitions as I do. We're nothing alike. If I could make a rational decision, I'd probably leave him. The problem is that love isn't really rational. I don't ever want to feel like I'm settling, either. And when I'm with him I don't feel this way, it's just when I'm apart from him that I start thinking about all this crap. I want to be able to own a house and have kids and all of that and I don't know when he's going to get things together. The worst part is that he just changed his major to some obscure art thing and is now talking about going to grad school but there are only a few schools for this obscure art thing. I don't mean to be a pessimist, but his grades are not that great to get into some exclusive obscure art grad school. SO WHAT THE HELL IS HE GOING TO DO WITH THIS DEGREE? Why can't he major in something like accounting where he can work at a steady office job and make lots of money? The only secret hope that I'm harboring is that he'll decide he wants to be an art teacher (or other kind or teacher) and then we can be teachers together. I think the idea of marrying a fellow teacher is very cool, because teachers are the best people in the world. ;) I know that I have issues to deal with too, and this is so not just a problem with him. I'm not the most responsible with money (though I can always pay my bills on time, more than I can say for some people), I'm a big slob, I'm lazy, and I'm selfish and sometimes unappreciative. He does a lot of nice things for me--Valentine's Day this year was especially great. I guess I'm so worried about these things because people are getting engaged and married around me and I've been with him for seven years and it still feels like we're not even close to that step. It makes me sad and it also makes me worry that we're not going to get married and we're just wasting time. It's not a waste of time, I guess, but I feel like I'm getting so old. If I'm not going to be with him then I need to go out and have fun while I'm still young. That's another thing. I gave him the deadline (in my head, I didn't tell him) that if he doesn't have a job by July we're breaking up. It sounds arbitrary but that will be almost a year of him saying, "I'll get a job soon." We'll see what happens I guess. Now I'm going to go cry.
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