So far my Spring Break has gone by at the speed of light. I have not been able to get a single thing done on my to-do list, which is depressing. I have actually been having a really good time, though, so that's something, right? Justin came on Saturday, after I attended Lucia's second baby shower (she is pregnant again--due any time now, another girl). The baby shower was awkward and weird, but decent, since I haven't seen her in ages. Her little girl will be two soon, which is just unbelievable. I am so sad about drifting apart from her. We have been best friends since the first grade, and we always talked about what it would be like when we grew up and lived next door to each other. Her kids would call me Auntie and vice versa. I don't even know her child. She's cute and looks just like Lucia, but I don't even know her. There are reasons why, I suppose, but I feel like they are a bunch of b.s. So it made me sad seeing her, and her family, who I have known as long as I have known her. It's really weird seeing kids that I knew when they were infants as 13 year olds (her cousins). It's weird seeing her little sister as a grown woman who is a college graduate and can now drink at bars. It's just surreal.
So Justin and I were supposed to go up to my school so he could help me get some work done, but somehow we put it off. The next day Mark and Elizabeth called and said that they wanted to come down that night, early. I knew they were coming to visit but I thought that they were going to come for one night. Instead they just left today. I had a ton of fun with them, but I am seriously stressed out about getting my work done because I am leaving for Seattle on Friday. I have to tell Jasmine that I need to come back on Sunday instead of Monday, which makes me nervous. Oh well. I really don't have time to do my work, and I need to get this crap done.
We just did stupid stuff like drink (I controlled myself and limited to only a few drinks each night) and play Cranium and Skip-bo, and the stupid car games that we like to play. I love hanging out with Mark and Elizabeth because they seem to have fun no matter what they are doing, and they are funny. Jason was also here, so it was non-stop action the whole time. We also went to the rec. center, went to the outlet malls, and went out to eat. We were hoping to go play Bingo at the casino, but that didn't work out. The best part was when Elizabeth and I beat the boys at Cranium three times, proving that we are the Cranium masters. Jason was on our team for one of those times, but overall it was just us. Another good part was when the boys went to the rec. center and Elizabeth and I went to eat ice cream without them and totally bonded about how annoying our boyfriends are. It feels good to talk to someone else who is in a "normal" long-term relationship and hear they go through some of the same things as we do. I was sad to hear that she is not sure that they will last forever, because if they do break up I will miss hanging out with her. Personally, I blame most of their problems on Mark because he can be the most annoying person on the face of the universe. If he knows something annoys you, he loves it and will do it even more. For example, he is a big fan of picking his feet in front of me because he knows how disgusting I think it is. Of course, some of the discussion that we had, combined with some of the annoying things Justin did during the past three days made me go back to feeling like maybe Justin and I will not work out. Everyone thinks that we are going to be together forever and get married and all of that, but I really think that we will figure that out once we move in together. Is it normal to sometimes get so angry at someone that your stomach clinches up into a tight ball, you feel like you might not be able to breathe, you want to scream, and you feel as if you want to physically hurt that person? I had that feeling last night over something that could be deemed "not a big deal." So, we'll see, right?
Sometimes I feel so completely sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with Justin, and sometimes I feel like I can't stand him. I think he is unsure, too, but he is always so unwavering in his devotion for me in general. I think there are a lot of things he doesn't like about me, but overall he always has seemed to think I am wonderful. He has always seemed to like me more than I like him. He has always seems to want to spend every free second with me, even if we are fighting. I've been with him longer than many people stay married (almost eight years), so I'm not expecting that we will always feel the way you feel in a new relationship (butterflies, etc.), but do some people always feel that way? If it is the right relationship for you, do you always want to be around them, do you still get butterflies sometimes? The question that I always come back to is how do you know if it is really right? And sometimes I think that I have the answer: HELL NO, IT IS NOT RIGHT! And other times I think that it most definitely is right.
It's too easy to get depressed after having the high of actually hanging out with adults my age and feeling like I have friends. Here I sit, all alone again, playing on the Internet for hours. Justin thinks it is weird that I like to go online and read Internet diaries and weblogs. Except for a few people, I don't really get into making friends with people online, so it's not even like I have this whole network of friends that draws me to the Internet. It's just like reading a book, but you get to find out what happens, and you know the people are real. Even if they don't know me or even know that I read their journal, it is strangely comforting to know that I can get online and find out what is going on in their lives. I guess it's a connection, even though it is one-sided, that I don't seem to have in my real life. I'm not sure if that is why other people read these, though, because plenty of the people who have online journals and read online journals seem to have plenty of real-life friends. The question about why I keep an online journal seems more straightforward, but why I read them is something that I can't explain as well. Why do you read online journals?
