Well. Things are going fairly well, considering. Considering what? Well, everything was going well until Thursday. I know I take things too seriously and make everything in the world about me, but sometimes it really feels like the universe is out to get me or something. Thursday sucked. It all started when my friend Mandy called me and said that Nathan had come to her room and invited her to poker night (the game nights we had basically once a week stopped when things with Nathan and I ended--they were always at his house). He said he was thinking about inviting me, but thought it would be too weird, since his new woman would be there. I am pretty sure he was never considering inviting me, but felt he had to say that since he knows Mandy and I are close. Anyway...she couldn't go anyway (I couldn't either), but I know she wanted to go. I felt bad because she felt bad, like she is disloyal for wanting to go. Then I went online and saw my other friend, K, and the first thing K said was that she was invited to poker night and who was going. It was all of the Las Vegas people, plus two others that usually come, and then Nathan's woman. So it was all of the regular people with the sole exclusion of ME (replaced by HER). So yeah, I was like...I know they knew I wanted to know if poker night ever started again, but at the same time I felt like, "Why did you guys have to tell me?!?!?!" I felt like complete and total shit, especially because there is no alternative to the situation. Obviously even if I was invited I couldn't go. It's not fair that I didn't do anything and yet I can't be in the group anymore! I hang out with two of the people individually, but not with the other three, so it's like those friendships are basically over (unless I put out way more effort than I am willing to). Yes, we could start our own alternate game night, but why would they want to when they all already have their own? It just sucks for me. I hate him and his stupid girlfriend.
My sister brought up an interesting point the other night...why did this whole thing with Nathan happen to me? I have nothing but regret and have no clue why it happened. I mean, yes, maybe to get me away from Justin. But I feel like that would have happened anyway, and possibly in a more positive, less hurtful way for him. So what the hell did I have to go through that for (and why do I have to continue going through it, it seems?) Would another person be over this by now? Because I'm not. I'm still so screwed up by it. I also had a horrible dream about it on Friday night...which basically amounted to me walking into his room at school to discover all of them playing poker. He said he wanted to ask me and I said that he did not want to ask me, he was just saying that because he knew I would say no, and he wanted to feel good about himself making an effort (which is what I was going to say if he did invite me, but of course he did not). Well, in my dream I said next that I would never want to hang out with him after the pain he caused me. He started getting mad and saying that I also caused him pain, and remember the time when I was yelling at him in his room? (That didn't ever happen in real life, but in his warped view of things I wouldn't be surprised if he thought that). So anyway, I got so mad in my dream that I started YELLING at him. Screaming would be more accurate. I said that I didn't care if he thought I was crazy, either, because I know he does. Then I yelled, "I hate you, you motherfucking asshole!" Just as I screamed that at him (and he was looking at me with pure, unadulterated hatred and disgust), I looked and saw that two of my students had walked into the room and had seen me yell that at him. So not only did they see me yelling profanities, they also saw me yelling at another one of their teachers. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. So I ran out of the room crying and saw my coworker, the team leader. She had seen the whole thing, and was standing with her back to me. I tried to tell her I needed to talk to her, but she was so caught up in how to do damage control that she said that she couldn't talk. She was obviously pissed at me, too, and I was so horrified at my own behavior at this point that I woke up in a cold sweat! This was definitely one of those dreams where I thanked God over and over and over for it being just a dream. Can you imagine? This is exactly why I can't drink too much at our end of the year party, correct?
So anyway, back to why Thursday sucked. Jose called me and said he was going to call me back in a few minutes and he never did. Then the jerk didn't call me on Friday, after calling me every day for the past two or three weeks. And you know how I am, I freak out. I hate that shit anyway because of bad high school experiences. It's just so disrespectful and rude to say that you are going to call back and then not...and it's not really typical behavior on his part. He's done that maybe three times? So anyway, I was pissed, sad, angry etc. I questioned whether he was doing it on purpose because he knows how much I hate that. Is he tired of me and wants things to end? Well...I talked to my sister and she was like, "You need to dump his sorry ass." And I was like, "I know, I know."
So anyway, Thursday sucked, but Friday was better (other than Jose not calling and me freaking out) because I got to hang out with my sister, who is in town, and talk. She said I was skinny again, which was nice to hear! I wish that she wasn't moving to DC, but I suppose she has to for her job. Anyway, she is fun, and I like her a lot. We were going to go out, but we were both like...eehhhh. So we didn't.
So I talked to Jose on Saturday and he did apologize, but he did the typical guy thing where he won't bring it up unless you bring it up. I HATE THAT ABOUT GUYS. Justin always did that, too. It was all no big deal, in his mind, and he has no clue how much agony he caused me. Anyway, basically he got home and went to see Star Wars with his new roommate, and he said because of that he didn't call anyone back who he said he was going to call back. That's a sorry excuse, I would say. But he did apologize more than once and he did sound genuine, so? I don't know, I still think it's bullshit. So he hadn't called me on Friday because he went out with his coworkers after work and stayed out late, and he also remembered I was hanging out with my sister. I just know if I forgot to call someone back, I would definitely call them the next day. Whatever. I hate him. But of course he said some sweet things and I forgave him. We'll see...I'm supposed to see him later on tonight, and part of the reason I wanted to hang out with him was because I got him a CD for his birthday, and I don't know if I will last in this shitty non-relationship until his birthday (two weeks). So I want to give it to him now.
Anyway, I also got some new furniture that I bought from a work friend. It's really nice, and looks very adult-like! I'm happy about that. I got a couch, ottoman, and a chair. The couch folds out to a bed, too. Yay. Justin helped move it, so I took him out to dinner for a thank you. He's looking better and better lately...he's also just so sweet and loving and wonderful to me. But...you know.
So Saturday I had to do a car wash with some of the kids to help raise money for our big field trip. Unfortunately, it was a bit rainy, so we didn't make much money. Then I went to the second session of the all-girls poker night. There were a few of the same girls, but some new ones as well, but it was still really, really fun. There still weren't any bitchy or annoying girls, which was very cool. I was also relieved that I didn't win this time (although I love to win) because I was afraid they would be annoyed with me. I actually told them about getting excluded from the other poker and why, so they were joking around that I would be kicked out of this poker night too and would have to move on to a new one. This was when I was winning. It was funny. I'm happy that we have this group. Also, the girl will be house-sitting next time or the time after, and so we are going to be doing a poker night/pool party. That sounds fun, and with all girls it is so non-intimidating about being in a swimming suit.
Today I have my sister's graduation party. I am a little nervous, and I'm not going to stay that long, but of course I wanted to go! This has been a really busy weekend. But guess what? FOUR WEEKS LEFT OF SCHOOL!
