I'm listening to a lot of Elliott Smith lately. That should say something about my mood.
I want something that I don't think that I can have. I want the person I like to like me the way that I like him, and I don't think it's happening. I've always been like this. I've always fell too fast, too hard. Having a crush on someone is supposed to feel good, but it doesn't feel good anymore. It feels desperate and stupid.
I finally saw Justin's new house today. It's depressing. I can't deal with hanging out with him because it's almost like nothing has changed. I miss him so much, and he said he loved me today when I left. I hate myself for breaking his heart, and I miss him, but I know that I can't be with him because I will never love him the way that he loves me. It doesn't mean that I can instantly just feel friendship feelings for him, either.
I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel like I have no idea how I am ever going to get another boyfriend. I'm not used to being alone.
Being in the kind of seeing each other stage with someone is pretty difficult, actually, because I feel like I have to hide a lot of my feelings, but anyone that knows me knows that I don't hide my feelings well. People can almost immediately tell if I am pissed off or sad. And you're supposed to play games and be aloof and all of that bullshit when you are just starting to see someone. Not that I'm doing that, but it feels like I would be doing better if I was doing it.
