Sorry to leave you hanging if you were worried about me...I'm doing fine, I've just been busy. My life crisis diet didn't last because I GOT HUNGRY! I was a mess on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, and then I realized that not having Jose in my life isn't the end of the world. So I guess I'm dealing with it okay. He and his stupid non-relationship with me was getting so old anyway, and I know I deserve better. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. So anyway, that's done with, and we haven't talked for two weeks.
Basically what happened was that we went out on Saturday night after I went to a party with some girls from work. He wanted to celebrate his birthday all weekend since it was Monday (he is totally self-centered and everything is always about him, probably because sociopaths are narcisstic). Anyway, we ended up going downtown to a few different bars and we just weren't having the greatest time. Things felt a little weird, but I just kind of ignored it. But by the end of the night I knew he was mad at me but I didn't know why. We then went home to his house. I was kind of drunk, so I had to stay the night like we planned. I finally asked him what the deal was and it turns out that he made a racist joke and I said it was offensive and he got upset about that. I guess he thought that he "couldn't be himself" around me and "you know I'm not racist." It was one of those things where I didn't even remember the conversation, that was how not-seriously I had taken it...he's always saying things where I will joke around and say he is inappropriate or whatever, and I didn't really realized I had said this more harshly than usual (but who cares, he shouldn't be making racist jokes anyway, and this was just an excuse for him to be mad at me). Then he said that I was also complaining about everything the whole night, and listed four or five things I had complained about (this girl was standing too close to me, the bathrooms were gross, etc., which were true, but I am normally not someone who complains and it doesn't seem like a big deal to me). I was thinking to myself that he was the most ridiculous person I had ever met if we have gone months with getting along so well and then he gets pissed at me for those two reasons? I said I didn't expect him to be perfect so why should I have to be, and I said I was sorry if I contributed to him having a bad time, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal and he should forgive me (I was really upset at the time and felt like I had done something wrong, even though in retrospect I didn't do anything wrong). He just continued to be kind of mean to me, and then he fell asleep. I realized that things were going to be over, even though we just had a stupid fight over meaningless bullshit, he can't deal with anything like that. So I spent a lot of time crying that night before I finally fell asleep... Then his dog ended up busting into the room, so I got to sleep with his dog cuddled against me all night. I totally bonded with his dog when I don't even like dogs.
So the next morning we wake up and he said he was sorry for getting mad at me, and he sort of played with my hair and I thought maybe things would be okay after all. He said he wanted to make me breakfast, and he did. Then he said it was such a nice day we should go hang out. So everything felt back to normal as far as we were joking around with each other and acting like we normally do. We had plans the next day for his birthday and we talked about them a little bit. But I noticed that he did not touch me AT ALL the entire day we were hanging out. At first I thought maybe he was just a little bit mad at me, still, but then when we went to the movies I tried touching his arm a few times (normally he is constantly touching me in some way) and he didn't respond at all. I just knew that things were over, and that he wasn't saying anything because of his birthday plans.
So we got back to his house and he said he wanted to go have a few drinks with me. I finally just asked him if he was still mad at me...he asked why and I said that he hadn't touched me all day. I said he didn't have to hang out with me all day if he was mad at me and he said he had fun hanging out, but it felt more like we were just friends. I was like, "Okay, we have one fight and then things are all over? I just don't understand you. We have been getting along so well and now?" Then I asked if there was something else I should know about and he mentioned that he had been seeing someone else but that it was over now. Okay. That's nice. I knew we were allowed to see other people, but I really thought (especially since he had just had me meet his family) that he wasn't. I am such an idiot. So we continue to have this horrible breaking up type conversation for about three hours. He goes back to saying that what is between us is one-sided. Since I realized at this point that it was really and truly over forever, I just let it all out. I have never cried in front of him, and I have spent most of our time when we are together pretending like I am okay with our casual whatever relationship. So he got to see me cry for the first time--I hate this term, but it was definitely the "ugly crying." I was a total mess. I really let him have it as far as how he misled me this last time by having me meet his family and by various other things he has said and done to make me think that he wanted more from me. He said he had been thinking maybe he wanted to be with me in a relationship, but that ultimately he didn't want to. How sweet. He also said he has issues where he hasn't really felt any deeper romantic feelings for anyone for about five or six years, and that he is tired of dating a bunch of people and he feels like he just uses them since he doesn't feel the same about them. I said that I thought he really did have deeper feelings for me and I don't understand what it is that he thinks he is missing when he says he is attracted to me, likes me as a friend, has fun hanging out, etc. Anyway, the conversation really sucked. And the reason the thing with the other girl ended was because she was going back to Japan (?), and not because he realized he wanted to be with me or anything like that. So here I was thinking we were getting so close and I was so excited to meet his parents, and he was seeing another girl. He apologized for everything, of course, but I was just so hurt. I couldn't stop crying and I wanted to leave, but I knew that it was the last time I would see him, so I had a really hard time. I also was like, "What am I supposed to do about your birthday present?" I just ended up telling him to go pick up his cake since I already paid for it (he said he would give me the money, but I said no). Then I told him what the present was, and he said I could send him the mix cd in the mail if I wanted to. I felt that would be pointless since it has all these "meaningful" songs on it. As I mentioned in my last entry, I took back his present that I bought him and bought a DVD set for myself, so that was taken care of. He said he felt really bad about how I went to all this trouble for his birthday. He should feel bad. Anyway, ultimately we said goodbye and I left, and that was it.
I just think he's a jerk because he knew how I felt about him and he continued to come back over and over, even though supposedly he didn't feel the same about me. I really don't know if he is A.) Actually a sociopath B.) Didn't ever really like me that much C.) Did like me but is an emotionally unstable person who can't deal with that. It doesn't really matter what it is anyway, but I feel humiliated about how many times I was willing to just accept whatever way he wanted to do things. I guess that I have learned a lot about what I want from a relationship from him, so I guess that is something. I just wish it had ended about four months ago so I could think of him as someone who was a fairly positive part of my life. I am glad, though, that he had to see me cry and that I let him know he had broken my heart. Because he sucks and I hate him.
Anyway, I haven't talked to him since then. Someone who actually cared about me would call and check on me, so I guess he really doesn't care, or he realizes it would be really bad to call me again. Whatever. I did drunk dial him on Thursday, but he didn't pick up, and I didn't leave a message. So he knows I called, and he hasn't called me back. I hate him. I don't really have anything to say to him that I haven't already said, so it's a good thing he hasn't called, but it hurts my feelings at the same time.
The hardest part has been going from talking to someone every day for almost six months to suddenly not talking to them at all. I don't really want to be friends with him, but it's still hard not to talk to him.
I realized just how much my students contributed to my sanity this year, though. Right after the whole Nathan thing, I didn't take any time off of work, even though I was a complete and total mess and could have justified it as almost a mental health breakdown. I didn't take off any time because being at school with the kids made me feel better--they make me feel like I am useful and calm, and like I actually have things together in one area of my life. When things ended with Jose I felt it would be justified to take that Monday or Tuesday off, particularly since I was also sick and everyone knew it. I ended up going in on Monday, and the kids were so great. They are so needy and loud and crazy that you can't think about yourself or your personal problems, so I realized it would be a lot more detrimental to stay home by myself. I really think I was able to survive losing Justin, Nathan, and Jose this year because of my job. How weird is that?
Anyway, it has been a really emotional end of the year because the kids this year really were so great. Last year I didn't even get teary-eyed at the promotion ceremony. This year I cried more than once. At the end of the day I was so surprised at how many kids were crying and hugging me. It was really sweet.
So the last day with eighth graders was on Wednesday, and then Thursday and Friday were just spent doing grades and getting my room cleaned up. I finished really early, so I just spent a lot of time helping my friend who has to move rooms and reading a professional development book.
Thursday was fun because we had our end of the year golf game. It's after school at a golf course, and everyone sucks at playing, cheats horribly, and there are fun holes like one where you hit the ball with a bat, a sling shot hole, etc. There is also a food and drink cart going around, so everyone gets completely trashed. I was on a team with the Spanish teacher (who is my best friend on my team), the math teacher (who I don't know that well, but is really nice) and our new teammate who will be teaching writing. I drunkenly bonded with them, and I had such a great time. I also found out that they don't think too highly about Nathan and his woman, either, and that they got in trouble for coming back late after spring break. I did a lot of smack-talking, but that happens every time I drink and have to think about how much I hate them. I am hoping the three months without seeing them will allow me to get rid of all of my negative feelings. I thought I was getting over it and then I had a few more interactions with Nathan that pissed me off. As in, I think he threw out my swimming suit instead of just bringing it back to me, but he won't tell me and is pretending he can't find it. And then made a completely inappropriate and hurtful joke about how he is keeping it for the memories. Yes, that renewed my hatred once again.
I went to poker night last night, and I had a lot of fun. I guess we might end up going as a group to one of the local casinos, which would be cool. We also made up a bunch of different poker games such as 5 card draw crap, where you try to get the worst possible hand. I just really like the group of girls that I play poker with now. I wanted to bring one of my friends with me, but now I feel kind of selfish and just want it to be my thing.
I also got invited to go to Las Vegas for a conference again this year. Last year's trip was one of the best of my life, so I know it won't be the same. There are only five people going, and I am one of the two people who went last year. I wish one or two of my other friends were going to go, but I guess they wanted to give new people a chance (I did feel really good that I got asked to go again--like I am on the in-list at school or something). This time we would be responsible for doing some staff development, but my principal said that I would not have to be the presenter since I am really good at organizing and taking notes. He knows that presenting in front of adults is my worst fear. The people that are going on the trip are not as fun as my friends from last year, but I didn't even know the friends from last year before Las Vegas, so hopefully I will bond and make even more friends. Anyway, free trip to Vegas, how can I pass that up?
Even though I was going to take some time off from guys, I actually have met someone I really like. I met him on Saturday and we clicked immediately with each other, and then we went out again on Tuesday and Friday. You would not believe how I met him, but I will save that story for another day. I'm hoping that I won't get my heart broken again, but he seems completely different from either Nathan or Jose. As in nice, sweet, normal, in touch with his emotions, etc. He just seems very real and not like he has to play any games. We'll see what happens...keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm trying not to get too excited, but at the same time, I am really excited and don't want to let past bad experiences get in the way of enjoying current ones.
Okay, now that this marathon update is out of the way, I need to go get ready for my day. Next week I am doing the writing scoring, so I need to do a few things to get ready for that. I am excited to make a little extra money.
