I was thinking today about how I survived a breakup with someone that I loved for nine years of my life, since I was a teenager, and I survived the devastation of Nathan and the madness that came with that. Losing someone who I had a (fairly) normal relationship with, that ended in an okay way, is nothing in comparison to all of that. I do feel like I have a connection with him still, but as everyone tells me, HE HAS ISSUES. So I'm not going to call him, or at least I'm going to try my hardest not to, and if he calls me I might be friends with him but I can never be more. It really bothers me to think about never talking to him again, but there's not much I can do about it. I have things I want to say to him, but I know it is a waste of time to really think about it if he doesn't care if he talks to me again or not. We'll see what happens. It's just weird not talking to him because since I have known him we pretty much have talked every day, or at least every other day. We did go almost a week not talking when we decided to take a "break." So I guess we'll see.
I'm feeling better about things today, obviously. I felt good in our team meeting because my friend the social studies teacher said that I should be team leader next year. I don't really see myself as a leader, but I was flattered that he thought I would be the best person for the job. We'll see if anything like that actually happens, because I'm not sure if the principals at my school see me as a leader.
I also made plans this weekend on both days, so I won't be sitting around moping over Jose. I'm going to go downtown with Ava on Friday and maybe go dancing (well, I'll be watching other people dance). That should be fun, and I'm going to do mapquest so I will not have to stress out about parking and the usual stuff that I stress about when driving downtown. Then on Saturday I am celebrating Justin's birthday with him. I'm not sure what we're doing, but I need to think of something fun.
Do you ever wonder if you actually got what you wanted if you would really be as happy as you think you would be? I think if I actually got Jose I wouldn't be that happy because I would be distrustful of him cheating on me (he seems like the cheating type, and also he has told me stories about cheating in the past), I would be constantly afraid of losing him, etc. I often wonder if Justin got me back if he would really be happy or if he would always feel like I was settling for him. I also wonder if he would revert to his old ways, which include terrible, horrible fights between us over stupid bullshit. And him complaining about everything and smothering me and needing me more than I could ever need him.
And no, don't worry, I am not going to get back together with him. I can't do that because I might change my mind (most likely I would) and I can't hurt him like that again.
Aside from that, I am doing pretty well getting caught up on school work. I have most of their stuff graded, and will have grade printouts for them on Thursday and Friday. I don't have my lesson plans for after testing, but I know what I'm going to be doing at least. We start state testing tomorrow. They have already been doing social studies and science testing, so I hope they are okay. I don't mean to put my kids down, but this is one of the lowest groups I have ever had. We reviewed literary terms today, did a crossword puzzle on the terms to review, and then we had an easy matching quiz right afterward. If you can't do well on a quiz on something you just spent an hour reviewing for and talking about, what is going on? There were a lot that didn't do well. Of course there were a lot that did well, too, but it's always the ones that don't do well that you agonize over.
My favorite guy on American Idol just got voted off--Nikko. Whatever. I didn't vote, so I can't complain. I guess I am rooting for Bo and Vonzell now. My most hated enemy on the show is Carrie Underwood, who is the most boring character ever to appear on American Idol. I hate it how she tries to be the country bumpkin, too. I think she has some secrets to hide. I liked Jessica much better and thought she was far more likable. Simon has it completely wrong.
I should get to bed now. My stupid booklist won't update and I don't know why. Maybe I'll have to start another booklist so that I can actually update it. Oh well.
