The nice thing about teaching children is that they are so crazy and self-involved and needy that they make you forget all about your problems for the time that you are with them. It's wonderful to be able to forget about yourself for a while. So being at school was actually a good thing today.
I'm still pretty down about the whole Jose thing, but now I feel more angry. I don't know what I was thinking. Seriously, get a clue--if he goes back and forth FOUR TIMES on whether or not he wants to keep seeing me, obviously he is not ever going to fall in love with me. Right? Right. I still like him and actually do think he is a good person, but he has some major commitment issues. As in more major than anyone I have ever met.
Speaking of issues, Justin left me flowers to let me know he was thinking of me. It was very sweet, but also very sick. This is the third time he has given me flowers when I am sad because of Jose. It makes me feel bad and guilty, and also sort of annoys me because he barely ever gave me anything when we were together. I do know how much he worships me now, but I just don't feel it for him anymore. I wish I did. I think he is cuter than either Nathan or Jose, yet there is still something missing.
Actually, Ava and I were talking about the power issue in relationships the other night. She said every guy she has ever been with she has been the one in charge. That's how it is with me and Justin. I am the one who can argue the best, I'm the smartest, and I can get him to do anything that I want him to do. Nathan and I were kind of even at first, but then he became the one who was in power. Jose was in power the whole time. It really bothers me, but at the same time I was attracted to it. I would even say that he might be smarter than me, which is really something I have never experienced before. I really want to have a relationship where there is an equal amount of power, where I can be nice, but I'm not being nice to the point of compromising myself--both Nathan and Jose took advantage of how nice I was. And I have a mental block against being nice to Justin. As much as I try, I'm horrible. That's part of the whole issue--I don't really like myself when I am with him.
I really wonder if I will ever hear from Jose again. I guess at this point he has no real reason to want to contact me, but it seems like even though he always decides he doesn't want to be with me, he always ends up missing me. I don't know what to think or expect, but obviously I made it clear that this was the last time that I was going to go through this. I just have to face it that it is over and that he will never turn around and say he wants to be my boyfriend.
You know how people like to hear their own name? I don't know if this is true for everyone, but I love it when someone says my name, especially if that someone is a boy that I like. However, I am going crazy because Nathan always uses my name when he speaks to me now--and it makes me CRINGE. Why does he have to say my name all the time? UGH! Justin always says my name when he's mad at me, and I hate that, too.
I always get through things by picking something to look forward to. I have nothing to look forward to right now. Summer vacation is so far away. I'm probably not going to see Jose again, or not for a very long time. I have hardly any friends to hang out with. I'm just sad. The End.
