So, things with Jose are really over now. I kind of instigated things being over because I really can't handle things being the way they are, but it still sucks so bad because I really like him.
I knew it was a bad idea to start seeing him again, knowing that there were all of these issues, knowing that I liked him more than he liked me, and feeling like I was his back-up plan and that I wasn't enough for him. I kind of was in denial about all of that. It's difficult to tell someone no when what everyone in the world wants is for the person who they like, who rejected them, to come back and say that they want to try it again because they realize how cool you are. So I went with that, even knowing how hard it would be in the back of my mind knowing that he would change his mind again, knowing that he wanted to see other people, etc. I really wish I had just said no, or, "That's not good enough, I will only do this if you decide you want to see me or only me." But I was weak. I don't really blame myself for that.
Anyway, while we were actually hanging out during this latest phase of seeing each other, I was having fun, but the time when we were apart I was constantly worrying about everything--like when he would change his mind again, and about how I couldn't express how I was feeling or he would freak out, and whether or not he was seeing other people since we are allowed to see other people. So I wasn't really having that much fun, and I had started to think that I should end things, but it's pretty hard to do that when you like someone so much.
Anyway, we hung out on Tuesday (side note: the two times that I have ever gone to concerts/shows with boys have both been the last time that I have hung out with them before the non-relationship ended, so I think I am going to avoid going to shows with boys in the future.) I was thinking all along that I would be hanging out with him this weekend, especially since he had said he would take me to dinner after he got paid to make up for me buying the concert tickets. Well, Friday he had other plans. Then we talked and he basically just said he would call me Saturday to see what is going on. I asked him if he thought he would want to do something and he was like, "I don't know, maybe, I'll call you and see what's going on." Okay, that's a bad sign, right? When someone you are dating doesn't want to hang out with you. He is really annoying because he doesn't really like to make plans because he likes to be spontaneous. Usually this means that he will call me and I will have already made other plans because I'm not going to sit around and wait for his spontaneous ass. So I'll have to see him at a random time like Sunday afternoon. I hate that. But anwyay, him saying he didn't know really started to get to me and I was really sad/mad/pissed off. I decided that I had to tell him how he made me feel--his not wanting to make plans with me makes me feel like he is waiting to see if something better is going to come up and as if I am his second or third choice (all symptoms of the deeper problems in our non-relationship--I'm just not that important to him.) So I realized that if I talked to him about it, that would mean the end of things because anytime it stops being fun and starts being serious he freaks out and decides it would be better to end things. I know this because it has happened two or three other times. It always happens the exact same way as it happened this time.
So anyway, usually his whole spontaneous thing is just a lie he tells himself and he actually does plan to see me, because we have seen each other every single weekend since we have known each other. However, when he called me on Saturday he told me he just made plans to go do something with some of his friends. So that was kind of a blow, because even though I planned to talk to him about how he made me feel, I thought that he would want to see me and we would talk about it in person (preferrably after having sex, so at least we would be together one last time). And it really hurt my feelings, and I couldn't hide it, even though he's right--we hadn't made any plans blah blah blah. So I just told him how it made me feel that he wouldn't make plans with me and I said I was going to get off the phone. So the pattern that always happens happened--a little while later he called me to tell me that things were not working out. He was really mad at me, too, because he said he didn't do anything wrong and I stress him out and blah blah blah. He said he just wants to have fun and it seems like I am his girlfriend and he doesn't want that. So I don't even know if he wants to be friends with me anymore, but I don't know if I want to be friends with him either. I'm not really mad at him, because I knew things weren't going to work out, I am mad at myself for letting it draw out when it should have been over before. And I am kind of mad at him for trying to be with me again when he knew how I felt about him and also knew that it wasn't going to work out. And I'm upset that he is mad at me and is thinking that the issue was really about me trying to control him and make him hang out with me when it was not about that at all. It was about overall constantly feeling like I am not his first choice and that I'm not enough for him and that any second he is going to leave me. I told him HE had all the control in this non-relationship and he said he didn't feel like that at all. Everything revolved around him and what he wanted, so how does he not feel that way? I am glad to be through with trying to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me, but I'm so sad that it's over because I like and care about him. I know that he does like and care about me, too, but I make him feel trapped and all of the rest of the stuff that makes him not want to see me anymore. And I really do understand it, but it sucks.
I know I need to find someone who actually wants to be with me, and not any of this non-relationship stuff. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it is too hard to keep up the charade for too long. I did a good job for a while, but I got so sick of having to pretend. I don't think I fooled him anyway. It's fine if someone doesn't want to be committed, but it's not fine for them to run away every time someone talks about their feelings. If you don't want to deal with talking about feelings then don't hurt them so often!
I really do know that it is for the best, and it's not the end of the world, but I really like him. Why does he have to have so many issues that are the exact opposite of my issues?
I'm having a really hard time right now. I want to call him so badly but I know that I can't. I just hate having the conversation in my head with him about why I acted the way I did. I hate thinking about him thinking of me as someone who got mad he would rather hang out with his friends when it was not even about that. I liked it that we both made other plans and it was no big deal, we weren't obligated to hang out with each other unless we felt like it, but it was just that on top of everything else. I really care way too much about what he thinks about me. My options are A.) Never really talk to him again, although I don't think I have truly seen the last of him. or B.) Wait a week or two and then call him, if he hasn't called me. There is no option C.) Call him today and explain myself to him. He already pretty much knows the bottom line anyway, so I don't know why I am so obsessed with telling him what it is. He said that it will keep coming up over and over because he doesn't want a relationship and it seems like I do. And that's true. All of the details I want to explain about why I acted that way go back to that--it doesn't feel good to try to be with someone when you know they don't want to be with you. He wanted to hang out with me, but only when he felt like it, and only on his terms. I know that I don't need that. Before, when we first started seeing each other it was different because he really liked me as much as I liked him, and there was that possibility that it would turn into more. When I realized that it had become more one-sided, I shouldn't have let him see me again. Oh well. Live and learn, right?
I do still like him as a person, but I don't know if I can be friends with him (if he still wants to, since he's so mad at me...ugh) because I'm NOT going to start seeing him again. And I feel like if I am around him, I will constantly be thinking about him in that way and hoping that he will decide he wants to be with me again. I can't do that to myself, so maybe it is better if I am not friends with him at all. Or not friends with him for a while. He wasn't a very good friend, anyway, because a good friend would resist temptation when they knew how the person felt about them but couldn't offer the same in return. Oh well.
So I ended up hanging out with Justin last night, which made me feel better, but also made me feel bad that I am using him to comfort myself. I suppose that is what friends are for, but I felt terrible anyway. We went out drinking and I drank too much and it made me very sleepy.
Anyway, I can't think of anything that will make me feel better right now. Obviously I need to try to find someone new, but I have had it with guys right now. They are just so annoying and constantly make me feel like I am doing everything wrong. Both Nathan and Jose were like, "It seems like you're always mad at me about something." When actually, I was only sad, and it was only a total of two times with Nathan and three times with Jose. Yeah, I am "always" mad when I have spent four months with you and been upset three times. Guys are so weird/annoying/stupid. At least those two are.
The other thing is that those two didn't even see a fraction of my crazy, bitchy side. That really scares me that they see me that way when I can be (and have been) ten times more horrible. I guess the bottom line is that if they liked me enough they would be willing to put up with a little bit of it, like I was willing to put up with some of their issues, but they just didn't like me enough to let me be imperfect, too.
I know that most of it was Jose and his issues that don't have anything to do with me, and I know I consciously decided that I would talk to him, regardless of the consequences, but it still sucks. Why can't I be able to talk about things with him? Oh yeah, because that makes it a relationship. It also doesn't help that this has all happened right after finding out that Nathan brought his girlfriend home to meet his parents. And here I am, completely alone, when I am the one who deserves to be happy and he deserves to be miserable.
That sounds awful, but it's true. I didn't even begin to get into how horribly he treated me in here. He was a complete asshole. Why does he get to have everything work out for him?
Okay, I'm ending this miserable, feeling sorry for myself entry. I know everything will be fine, but my life just sucks right now.
