I don't know if I am settling for less than I deserve or if I am doing the right thing in keeping the potential of something great happening a possibility. At what point do you decide that you should just give up?
It's really, really weird for me to be dating. I'm sorry if you are like grow up, that's how it is, but I really don't know how to deal with the dating thing. I don't know how to deal with adult relationships.
I really, really like him, but I don't know if I am being realistic in my expectations. Again, I have nothing to compare it to.
I've been gone because my computer completely broke. I bought a new one. After rebates it will be $500.00, so it's not an incredible amount of money, but still...I have been really bad about money. For example, I have fifty dollars to last me until November 25th. Not good. I keep dipping into my savings instead of actually saving. I guess that is what happens when you buy a new car and suddenly have to pay twice as much in rent and bills, yet do not do anything to curb your spending. Ugh.
Suddenly I go to happy hour at least twice a week, too. It's cheaper, but still costs money.
I miss having someone who actually seems to want to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with him. I said I would have faith that he likes me, but I still have so many doubts. There is so much potential to get hurt here, but I feel like it is worth the risk. What is scary is the idea of getting too deeply involved with someone who isn't completely emotionally available. Do I hold it against him that he has been hurt so badly in the past, or do I deal with it and go as slowly as he wants, knowing that maybe it will never turn into what I want it to be?
Sometimes I think it is just bad karma coming back to haunt me. I was unfair, but I don't know what else I could have done. There are a few things I should have done differently, obviously, but ultimately the result would be the same.
I did finally tell Justin that I am interested in someone else, and who that someone else is. I don't know if it was the right thing, but he actually seemed relieved. And appalled. This was when I thought for sure it wasn't going to work out, though, and now it feels like maybe it will. He thinks this person is completely wrong for me, but what person would Justin think was right for me? It was a moment of weakness--his constant questioning finally got to me. And on some level he already knew. But part of me thinks it was more selfish to relent and tell him. I don't know what the right thing to do is, actually. He does still want to be my friend, which is pretty damn noble of him.
I didn't mention this, but he couldn't take the ring back. He could get a store credit, but what good does a store credit for thousands of dollars at a jewelry store do him? The worst part is that he's on a payment plan, so every month he pays money for a ring that no one wants. I feel horrible about it--this on top of everything else.
It's too late for going back, but some part of me wonders if things could ever work out again with him. I know that it isn't what I want, but I wish it was. How wonderful and romantic would that be? I have hurt him too badly, though, to deserve another chance. I know I am just lonely and I miss my best friend.
I truly do want him to find someone to make him happy, but I know it will feel pretty lousy.
I just wish I could go back to the place where I was happy and having fun and didn't feel insecure. Where everything just what it was, and things seemed to be progressing toward a real relationship rather than going backwards. I don't know what changed. Why are guys so confusing?
