You know, I wouldn't be so paranoid and obsessive if there wasn't some truth to it. And actually, I am realizing there is a lot of truth to it. And actually, I think he finally told me what he wanted (or didn't want) on Monday, interspersed with the rest of our confusing conversation, and I was just too busy lying to myself to hear him. So I am finally facing the facts that this isn't going to happen and he's just not that into me.
I'm not saying there isn't a part of me that is hoping that he will realize down the road that I am perfect for him, but the chances of that happening are looking more and more slim. And the truth is that I am not perfect for him, because his idea of perfection is a little box that someone like me does not fit into. And just because he is attracted to me doesn't mean he thinks I am right for him.
What sucks is I don't even feel like he cares if he is friends with me anymore. I would still like to be friends, just so I can torture myself more. No, that's not true, but I have to see him every day anyway, I might as well be able to consider him a friend. I really do have fun with him, too, and maybe once I get over him we can have that back.
The bottom line is that if it really was that he was commitment-phobic and scared, but he really did like me, he would still want to spend time with me. And he hasn't wanted to spend time with me in a while. I need to read into those signs instead of when he says something sweet thinking that means that he actually does like me.
Anyway, this really, really sucks. I have fallen for him way too hard. I know that at one point he liked me as much as I liked him, but his feelings changed and I need to get over it and move on. I need to stop making excuses. It hurts so bad, though.
In other news, my observation by the principal went really well. I was really nervous beforehand, but once he was in there I was fine. The kids were awesome, and I was pretty good, too. It was probably the best I have ever done while someone is watching me. We're not going to meet to talk about it until Monday or Tuesday, but he did ask me how I thought it went. I said pretty well, and he said he thought it went great and how the kids were all engaged and on-task, and seemed to really get it. The other thing that I really appreciated was how cute the kids were about it. It wasn't the original class that I picked to have him watch, but they are still a great group. Anyway, I told the kids the day before he would be watching me, and explained why. One of the girls came up to me before class and was like, "Today's the big day!" Then when they saw he was headed into the class, one of the boys said, "He's coming! Be good, you guys!" Then in a pause in the lesson another boy said to me, "Ms. Boombastic rocks!" It was so cute, though, because it was like he was saying it to me to encourage me or something. It just felt so good to have the kids really be on my side and wanting me to look good. I told you that I had sweet kids this year!
Then things continued to go well yesterday because I got this kid--who normally will not do ANYTHING and spends the whole period disrupting everyone--to actually write almost a page of his paper. He failed last quarter with something like a 30%, so this was a huge accomplishment. I had to hold his hand every step of the way (he literally called me over after each paragraph he wrote, asking me, "Now what is the next paragraph supposed to be about?") but he did write each paragraph completely on his own. I kind of made a big fuss over how proud I was of him, and he seemed pretty pleased with himself. I also held onto the paper so that he would not lose it in the depths of his chaotic binder.
Things are pretty messed up with Justin right now. I feel like I have used him, in some ways, to make myself feel better. We hung out yesterday and last weekend, and it is just so nice to have someone around who adores me and actually makes me feel good. He said he would never be able to get back together with me anyway because of what I did to him, so it's not that he wants to get back together with me (don't even get me started about how much that hurts, but I totally understand). He just misses me and loves me and all of that. I miss him, too. I just wish that I loved him the way that he loved me, and none of this would have happened. I still know that he's not what I want, but he makes me feel so wonderful. After constantly feeling rejected by Nathan, it is just such a relief. Even after all of these years, he has never stopped telling me all the time how beautiful/hot/sexy he thinks I am. Yes, I know, why did I give that up? Anyway, so on top of feeling horrible because I realize that the thing with Nathan is never going to happen, I also feel guilty for using Justin to make me feel better about myself. I just feel like a terrible person overall.
So...I have no plans for Saturday night yet again.
