So...here's what I am thankful for during a time in my life that really sucks:
1. I have really, really great friends. Two of my coworkers have become two of my best friends. They have totally been for me through all of my confusion and heartache over Nathan.
2. Justin is still in my life, and will always be.
3. I have a great family.
4. Even though it sucks, I am grateful that there is finally closure on the Nathan situation. I can stop worrying about whether or not he likes me, and I can move on with my life.
5. I have a great job that I really love.
6. I am single, which means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.
7. I have a cute new car.
So there has been closure with the Nathan situation. I finally talked to him on Wednesday, and it is all over. I am very hurt, but I have a huge sense of relief. We're going to try to be friends. He likes someone else, though, who also is a teacher at our school. That was part of the reason why I felt like I had to say something instead of just letting it go. It was so obvious and painful and IT MAKES ME SICK that I meant so little to him. But it was a learning experience, and you can't help who you fall for, and that's life. So too bad for me, but also it is very good for me to not try to be with someone who would not be good for me. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt horribly. It's not even just about him, it's about the fact that I thought that this was "fate" and that I thought he was "the one." I thought a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have thought about someone who was so afraid of commitment. I guess the bottom line is that even if someone is afraid of getting involved in a commited relationship, if they really like you they will be willing to take that risk. So I need to stop beating myself up for "scaring him off" because if he liked me he would have wanted to be with me. It just wasn't meant to be. On the plus side, at least I don't have to live my life feeling awkward because I am going out with a guy who is shorter than me (slightly, but still--this is the only time I have ever dated someone who is shorter than me. If you can even call what we had dating.) From now on I am going to be back to my rule of no short boys allowed. Sorry, but I can be superficial if I want to. That's how I met Justin.
So anyway, I really am going to try to take some time and not freak out over not having a boyfriend or a potential boyfriend. I am notorious for always having a boyfriend, and I need some time without all the drama and heartache. I just don't want to get hurt so badly again.
But seriously, if you have someone you think I should meet, I will be grateful, because I really can't think of a single way I am going to meet guys.
I wish a hot new young teacher would start working at our school. Unfortunately, we have tons of hot young teachers, but they are all female. And even more unfortunately, getting involved with a coworker, particularly one that you see every day multiple times and eat lunch with at the same table, is not the best idea. There are no other potential dates at my school--the only other guy I would ever be interested in is married, and obviously that is completely out of the question.
It's not that I can't deal with being single right now, I really can. What I can't deal with is the fear that I will always be single and never get married or have kids. I just keep thinking I am getting so old and now am starting from scratch. I have no idea how to go about dating, and no idea how to not take things seriously and get my heart involved. Anyway, this is the place I am in now, and I will learn to deal with it. And I do know I have plenty to be thankful for.
