Things are still...not great. I found out it is possible that my insurance might cover some therapy sessions, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. To be honest, I really am not sure if therapy will be helpful for me. I already have plenty of people who are willing to listen to my problems. I guess part of it is that I am hoping that the therapist will parrot back to me something that I have said that will make me have an epiphany, but I'm not sure how likely that will be. I feel like I would rather have someone who gives me advice than someone who just listens. Hopefully, though, I can be open-minded and try it out.
I had my getting-to-know-you session on Monday and wasn't sure what to think about the woman. I have another session today for an hour, so I guess I will get more of an impression. She was older, quite short and round, and seemed like a talker. I am a little worried that she will talk too much. Since she's a clinical social worker rather than a psychiatrist/psychologist, I don't think she can prescribe me any drugs. Not that I want any drugs, but I wonder what happens if she thinks I need drugs? Well, anyway...
I am also seeing my friend Lucia tonight. That should be fun. I haven't mentioned her in ages because when people move to Hickville, USA and have two babies, they tend to drop off the face of the earth. Just a tip for anyone planning to do either of those things. I have a Christmas and birthday present from last year for her.
I was at my friend Nathan's house yesterday and my driver's side window was either bumped into or just decided to fall off my piece-of-crap car. It is hanging by a thread and the mirror is cracked. He managed to hook it back up so that it didn't bang against my car the whole way home, but obviously I have to get that thing fixed somehow. So not only is my car making mysterious noises, now it has an actual repair-that-I-can't-ignore. Wonderful. I guess right now is the best time to buy a new car, but I am nervous to make the commitment to a car payment. Even though it is the worst piece of shit car, at least my car is paid off.
I actually had a really good day yesterday, so I don't know why this post is so negative. Oh, I have more negativity to add, though. Justin's mom called me up and wants to go out to lunch with me. WHY?!?!?! WHY??!?!?!? WHY?!?!?!?! Are all parents of boyfriends/girlfriends destined to be worst nightmares? I don't want to go to lunch with her. I don't want to hang out with her when her son is present, let alone by myself. I was put on the spot and agreed to lunch tomorrow. I don't want to go. I know she is "trying to be nice" and "wants to welcome me into the family" or whatever, but I just do not want to spend any of my free time hanging out with someone I do not care for. If you want to get on my good side, how about not telling your son's brother IN FRONT OF ME, "Now we need to find you a girlfriend. Hopefully a nice Korean girl." Yeah, that makes the mean white girl feel so good. It's not that I hate her, but she ANNOYS ME SO MUCH!
So this is the turmoil that I have been going through. Justin proposed to me. I was happy for about a week. Now I am miserable and don't think I can go through with it. I've talked to him about it, and I think we might be breaking up. The ring is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen in my life, but the idea of marrying him is making my stomach hurt. It's not that I don't love him, but deep down I feel like we are not right for each other. He thinks I am scared and that I am one of those people that don't want to let themselves be happy. He is devastated that I am reacting like this. So those are all of the things that I am going to try to work out in my therapy session this afternoon. Yay for me.
That sounded very casual and unemotional, but obviously after nine years with someone this is a hugely emotional issue for both of us. Losing him is one of the most horrible things I can imagine, but I also feel like some of the issues we have can't be fixed. Hurting him so badly is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, which explains why I am an emotional wreck. I am also constantly questioning whether I am making the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, so that doesn't help matters either.
I had better go exercise now. Thanks for listening.
