I had a good day and a frustrating day, all boiled into one. Yesterday I got to see Ben after his basketball practice and had such a nice time with him...I was going to go with him to watch his game today, but we woke up late and I didn't really have time to get ready and be there on time, so instead we met up afterward. We went to eat Filipino food, which was cool, since all I have ever had is Jasmine's grandmother's chicken adobo. It was really good. I got to see him speak Tagalog because he is half Filipino and spent two years in the Philippines. I had to leave to go to my poker night, and it sucked because I couldn't find the girl's house. I finally gave up and came home after ending up on the wrong freeway more than three times. I felt bad, but it's been a relaxing evening by myself. I really wanted to go, but I guess I will see them next time. The girl told me that she will write directions for me next time because mapquest did me wrong! She just moved, to an area I don't know at all, which is why I had such a huge problem. Oh well.
I finished Prep, and I highly, highly recommend it. Go out and read it today.
I am completely wrought with insecurities about the whole Ben situation. I am so happy and have so much fun with him, but because of past experiences I am so scared to be happy and let myself believe that this is how it can be. He hasn't messed up in any way. He always calls me. He right away wanted to be my boyfriend. We seem to have found a good balance of spending time together, but not spending every second together. I just keep thinking it will end. That there is something inherently wrong with me that will scare him away, or that even if it isn't me, that guys just get bored and leave me. I just don't think that I can take it if it happens again, and that is part of why it is so difficult to let myself enjoy it. When I am with him there is no question and I feel with every ounce and inch of myself that he wants to be with me and he likes me and that he could fall in love with me and that he would let himself fall in love with me. When I am not with him I am filled with doubts and wonder whether he just likes me and wants me because he doesn't know me well enough yet to know better. While I know I am a good person and attractive and smart and sweet and caring and have interesting things to contribute, it is so hard for me to believe it on a daily and basis. So much about myself is wrapped up in what other people think of me, and as much as I try to fight it, I can't seem to get past that. Why didn't Nathan and Jose realize my value? Why can't I stop obsessing over that?
It's getting way too honest up in here. By the way, I totally made out with Ben to "Hot in Herrrrrrrrrrre", which was on a mix CD that Jasmine made for me. It was surprisingly good make-out music. I wouldn't have really predicted that about that song.
