I worry way too much about what other people think of me. I think that's the root of all of my shyness.
It has been sixteen days since I last posted an entry. I just never have time. I can't even really think of what has happened.
Justin has gone on a hunting trip with his father. It just seems like such a GUY thing to do, doesn't it? I guess it's one of those things that I should feel morally opposed to or something, but really I could care less. I eat meat. I don't think I would go hunt an elk, but if that's their idea of a good time...
Anyway, I will have a lot of free time because he is gone for eight days or so. It's really weird having him gone. I miss him already.
About the shyness thing, I say that because we had a happy hour get together function. Teachers at my school actually go out together after work for drinks sometimes(!) Anyway, I went by myself. It took me awhile to get myself to go, but I did. I am happy that I went, because I did have fun. I had two margaritas over the space of about four hours, so I was okay to drive. I talked to a lot of different people, but I don't really see myself connecting with anyone in particular.
I have a tiny crush on one of my coworkers. It's a safe crush because he has a live-in girlfriend, and I have a live-in boyfriend. He's just nice and fun and cute and not my type.
Things are going well in the Justin area, except for the inevitable lack of a job thing. Will he ever get a job? I hope so. I am learning that he doesn't know the first thing about looking for a job, and I really I don't have the time to help him. It's also a fine line between helping and lecturing, right? So I'm just avoiding the whole subject. I don't know what the best thing is to do. Maybe he'll ask me for help sometime. This is going to sound super snobby, but here we go. Even though I was really poor growing up (like foodstamp poor on and off), my mom is highly educated. She has two masters degrees and something like three BA degrees. She knows about stuff like financial aid and looking for jobs and cover letters and applying for schools. Justin's family is very blue collar. When he does officially graduate, he will be the first one in the family to graduate college. He doesn't know a lot of life-skills type stuff (like the fact that you need to send a cover letter with a resume--I was shocked to hear this the other day) because his family doesn't really know about that stuff. I know I shouldn't blame him for that, but at the same time I guess I do. Am I a big classist snob? I've always thought that I wasn't. I'm all about workers of the world uniting and about caring for my fellow humans. Why am I so hard on him?
I've been feeling bad lately because I feel like I'm not that great of a girlfriend. Justin does so many things like clean up after me, get up with me in the morning and make me breakfast or help me iron or make my lunch, massages my back, etc. I rarely do anything like that for him. I know that part of it is that he has time to do these things because he has nothing else to do, but at the same time I feel like I'm taking him for granted and not contributing as much to our relationship as he is. I sometimes wonder why he wants to be with me anymore. I know he does, but it's hard. I am going to try to make an effort to be nicer and more caring.
The problem with teaching is that it consumes your whole life, and it's hard to leave work at work EVER. We were talking about this at lunch today (we had a half day so we got to go out to lunch). So many teachers also define themselves by what they do. I am so proud to be a teacher, but I don't want that to be the only thing about myself. I need to find a way to balance it all out. I can't imagine having time to have a family; I barely have enough time to just relax with my boyfriend.
Grades were due, and I start teaching a new elective on Monday. I'm excited. My first nine weeks as a middle school teacher went very well. I also had my first official observation, and my vice principal said I did a great job. Her write up was great, too. Apparently, my strength is classroom management (?!) I am happy to get that first hurdle over with, and I have one more official observation to go. I guess there are probably more drop-in visits here and there, but hopefully not many.
The counselor that works with the kids on our team emailed me something, and when I emailed back she mentioned that she, "Hears really positive comments about me as a teacher." That means the kids are saying good things about me!!! I'm so happy. I'm used to being well-liked as a teacher, but I hadn't gotten as much affirmation as I did at my old school. And today we were talking on one period about how I hated school and used to skip, and they wondered why I wanted to be a teacher then. We were sort of joking around about whether I fulfilled my goal of making school a better place for them than my teachers did for me, but a number of them mentioned that I am, "better than all the other teachers," at doing that. So that made me feel good, too. Sometimes compliments for teachers are few and far between, so I can gloat if I want to, right?
My eighth period is still my nightmare class. I hate calling parents because it scares me and makes me feel bad. Who wants to tell a parent that their kid is a little hellion? So I've been brainstorming with other teachers for ideas. If I have to, I will call their parents. I just basically have six boys that are constant blurters, who can't shut their mouths EVER. The class is rowdy and annoying. It's hard when it is that many problem children, because you can't just send the problem child out. It makes it feel like it's the whole class, but really it is just those six. I'm thinking of pulling those six out of class and talking to them about the problem. I'm not sure if it would work or not. Hopefully I can get them under control soon. It's just hard figuring out something that fits in with my style, you know? I'm not a yeller. I'm also not a hard ass that can demand silence and send the first person who talks out. I can do that a few times, but I can't do that every day. And there is nothing worse than teaching a class when it feels like all the kids hate you and it's you against them. So...I've been thinking. I talked to my team leader since we are so much alike as far as our approach to kids. Her solutions were similar to mine, though.
I can't believe how close Christmas is. I need to just relax about gifts this year. I'm all about finding the perfect gift for everyone, but I get so stressed out that it takes all of the fun out of it. The worst that can happen is that they don't like their gift. I will never know if they don't, either, because people are too polite to say anything. So what's the big deal?
One big goal I have for while Justin is gone--watching all of my Felicity and My So-Called Life DVDs. I never want to watch them when he's here because of his derogatory comments. He is also a pain to watch Gilmore Girls with because of this issue. I have commanded him to be completely silent, but he insists on voicing his distaste! I admit, though, I am pretty vocal in my disgust whenever he watches sports (basically every day, all day, non stop) and Fear Factor.
Oh, and now that baseball is finally over, he discovers we have all of these NBA Pass channels that show all of the games going on except the Blazer games (you have to pay for that). So not only do we have 40,000 different ESPN channels, we also can watch any given basketball game from around the country. It's going to be a long winter...I used to like basketball, but he's one of those angry sports viewers. You know, the weird neighbor you hear sometimes who yells things like, "MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!"? That's my boyfriend yelling at the basketball players!
